Chubby Girl Brigade

Introducing Rebecca

There are those of you who tell me I post too many profiles of skinny girls. (You know who you are.)

But, remember that black period around Valentine's Day where I was called the DFB and I tried to be all cool and hold hands with the pro ana girls so we could face the world together? Remember how that backfired?

Well, Rebecca, sent me her profile and made it all worth it. I am proud to accept her.

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Name: Rebecca

Bday: May 22

Fix-it Food: Jalapeno refried beans and tortillas. or chocolate fudge ice cream. or those sour patch kids candies. or... french onion sunchips. or, oh em gee, the yellow cake with the fudge icing in the fridge that i made for easter. whoa. now i'm hungry.

Introducing Sharon

Sharon had The Surgery and is now down over 150 pounds. Isn't that amazing? She was concerned we wouldn't accept her, but anyone that talks about butt wings with me over IM should be automatically accepted wherever they go. You know, because Butt Wings are the new American Express.

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Name: Sharon

Birthday: February 1, 1969

Go-to food for stress relief: Potato chips and chocolate, preferably at the same time. With cheese, lots of cheese

M is the funniest funny!

From our IM:

"i think i may have traumatized the kids accross a courtyard from me. i forgot that my shades were up and when i came out of the shower i was walking around naked for a few minutes getting pajamas. my friend claims though that it's a rule in any major city that through your window you have a fat naked neighbor, so i may have just been fulfilling my civic duties."

PMS Confession: Our Problem

Me: Ugh. Why do I have to have a period?

Zippy: Yes, why do WE have to have a period? Can't you just suffer in silence?

Later that same day...

Zippy: Ugh. My back hurts.

Me: Don't you mean OUR back hurts? Can't you just suffer in silence?

Zippy: Well, WE didn't mow the freakin' lawn.

Bringing you the Funny.

Heck, I've lost six pounds and I'm about ready to declare myself all set for bikini season.

The Perfect Answer

Recently, I was at a car wash, getting my SUV washed (whoever told me white was a great color because it hides the dirt is a DIRTY LIAR)(in other news—gullible? moi?) , when the attendant told me that it was a dollar extra for oversized vehicles.

Thinking quickly on my feet (which is the quickest thing I do on my feet, unless there are spiders or rodents involved), I said, "Are you calling me fat?"

"Uh..heh...uh...no?" he said.

At which point I paid him my extra dollar and pulled forward.

I realized that I'd discovered the perfect answer to a lot of life's questions.

For example:

"Would you like to Biggie size that?"

"Would you care for some dessert?"

"Would you like me to check the pressure in your tires?"

And my favorite question of all time: "Are you going to have a baby?"

But, it's also a great response when you're being asked questions you don't really want to answer. For example:

"So, how much money do you make, anyway?"

"My goodness, have you ever thought about having your lip waxed?"

"Are you ever going to have any more kids?"

And: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Any others?

Introducing Luan

This is Luan. Her recipe calls for butter and cream. AND zucchini and cabbage. AND it cooks in the crock pot.

It may be the pinnacle of gastronomic perfection.

I may be in love.

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Name: Luan

Birthday: 9/4/1979

Go-to food for stress relief: chips and salsa

Introducing Reah

This is Reah. I envy her hair. I also envy her ability to lay on the floor. I am old and broken. If I were to lay on the floor like that, I'd need a nap and a cattle prod to get me back on my feet.

Just sayin'.

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Name: Reah

Birthday: 04-17-80

Go-to food for stress relief: Fruit snacks, a chocolate candybar, and a diet pepsi

Beware the Stool Malfunction (and by "Stool" I mean SOMETHING YOU SIT OR STAND ON because if I meant the other kind, I would refer to it as POOP. FEEL BETTER NOW?! Pervs.)

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a department store with my daughter, Grace, and I wanted to try some new kind of Clinique makeup that I'd heard about. I found the saleslady and asked her about it. She told me to take a seat on one of the stools and she'd be right with me.

I took one look at the stool and knew I was in trouble. Turns out the hind end of a regular Clinique lady is about the size of a postage stamp and 4 feet off the ground—exactly 3.5 feet higher than my own hind end and about 800 times smaller.

I kept trying to hop on to the stool, only to miscalculate the height. I finally used a shelf on the display next to me to give me a help up and found the seat really small. Freakishly small. Needing-a-shoehorn-with-which-to-wedge-myself-in-because-there-are-arms-and-a-back small.

Finally, I was on the stool, properly wedged and hoping the saleslady would hurry up already because at any minute there was going to be a stool malfunction wherein something would pop loose and catapult me across the store.

At which point, Grace, having witnessed my acrobatics and discomfort, said, "This is a blogging moment, isn't it?"

M's Thank You

A big thank you to everyone who emailed and participated in my study. I was surprised by how good
the response was and it was a huge help. I also beat everyone else in my class for largest number of
participants! If anyone in general is interested in the results, feel free to email me (use the email
address [email protected] so I know automatically what you're emailing about and can keep
it separate from my regular email) and I'll be able to send you my paper by mid-May.

Thank you again, you're the best internet friends a chubby girl could have!