My confession is really a two-parter. The first part deals with my habit of hoarding things; in this case, feminine hygiene products. See, I have a period that typically goes like this: heavy, absurdly heavy, near-heamorrage, heavy again, light, piffling, trifling, spotty, spotty, gone. So all I really need are super-absorbancy and teen-strength products. (Why they call them 'teen' I'll never know. You know those adverts with the skinny girls with flawless skin doing aerobics, horseback riding and baking a perfect lemon meringue pie all while espousing how wonderfully active and comfortable they are during menses? Well, my teenage years were nothing like that. I do recall a lot of curling up with the heating pad and praying for the merciful arms of Death, though.)
Be that as it may, I'm losing sight of my confession. To wit, hoarding tampons and pads. See, I'm always suckered by those multi-packs that you see in the shops. I keep thinking that they'll be a great savings as they have everything a gal could need all in one box. No more hunting around through drawers trying to find the right tampon, no more running to the store when I've discovered all I have are 'light days' products... Just open the box and boom! Everything's there, all nice and neat and compartmentalized. The problem, of course, being that there are too many medium and light absorbancy tampons, with not enough of the kind that can absorb enough liquid to prevent flooding in low-lying areas. So I always need to buy extra super-absorbancy tampons and my drawers are littered with their less robust counterparts. So what do I do every month? I buy another multi-pack and add to the collection. I don't know what I'm going to do with all of them. Perhaps keep my family high and dry should the next Great Flood come.
As for the hysterics, I suppose that's really more of a DMS (during menstruation, natch) confession. I was so whacked out this afternoon that I wound up hyperventilating and twitching like a four-year-old who's eaten all their Hallowe'en candy in one night. Why, you might ask? Because I spent three dollars more than I had planned on at the grocery store. That's right. Thanks to the crazy hormones, those three dollars took on such significance that I went into full-blown hysterics. The snot-running-out-the-nose kind. Always attractive in a heavy woman, don't you think? What could make it worse, you ask? Having a fit like that in front of my skinny, pretty 18 year old cousin who was visiting for the afternoon.
Next month, I'm renting a storage locker and staying there until I'm fit to be released into society.
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