Over the weekend, my children took a photo of me that is so horrible I took one look and thought, "Who is that woman and how did she escape the Jerry Springer show? Shouldn't she be whining to Jerry about how she thinks her man and her best friend are doing the naughty and how the six fathers of her five children aren't paying any child support and how her welfare checks aren't enough to feed her family AND her 9 dogs and how she doesn't need to go to school because she's in the school of hard knocks?"
Yeah, it is that bad.
To be fair, I was sitting all squished up in a chair, and if you're a chubby girl, having your head in such a position that your chin is resting on your chest will conjure up extra chins on even the thinnest of women.
However, this photo is so bad, that not even body physics can explain away the awfulness.
No, this photo is so bad that I actually contemplated going on a diet.
I had the following conversation with myself:
Me: Self, that is a horrible photo. You should go on a diet.
Self: Well, don't forget, the camera adds 10 pounds.
Me: Well, that's sort of a drop in the bucket for you.
Self: You are a cruel, cruel woman.
Me: So, let's talk about this diet.
Self: Yes, you've had such great success in the past.
Me: Well, you know your friends Ben and Ezpy both had gastric bypass. Ben has already lost 100 pounds. If I lost 100 pounds, there would be nothing left of me.
Self: You are delusional. Besides, you don't do well with surgery.
Me: OK, what if I ate one of those tiny sponge animals that swell up when they get in water? It could sit in my stomach and make me feel full!
Self: And how do you plan to explain that to the ER doctor when you are suffering horrible stomach cramps and he xrays you only to see a giant grasshopper in your stomach?
Me: Oh, you have a point. How about if I eat only tuna and drink water all day?
Self: The smell would be so bad that I would be forced to leave you.
So there you have it. I'm sure you all want to see this photo that is so bad it would have me, Jerilyn, co-creator of the Chubby Girl Brigade contemplating a diet, and I have decided to post it. However, I have taken artistic license and photoshopped the parts that I am uncomfortable showing on the internet. You can view the photo here.