Chubby Girl Brigade

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Introducing Baby Onth

A Generic Adult Female introduces her little sister.

Baby Onth is my little sister.  She and I aren’t a whole lot alike, especially in the looks department.  I always bring this up, even though it was said to me only once by a boy, “Who was that girl you were walking to school with?”  I said, “That was my sister.”  The boy said, “Wow.  You don’t look anything alike.  She’s cute.”  I never held her looks against her, not when there were so many other things to be bugged by.  Although to tell you the truth, I don’t remember what any of those other things are now.  She and I did get into one good fistfight, prompting my brothers to get all excited and suggest they sell tickets.  The boys were always fighting, but Onth and I usually just traded catty insults (while still managing to share clothes and the car). 

These days we are very close.  The only argument we ever get into is who we think our mother likes the best.

Me:  “Mom likes you better than me.”
Onth:  “Nuh-uh.  She likes you better.”
Me:  “How about that one time we both got blazers?  She gave you a nice red one.  I got a boring ugly tan one.” 
Onth:  “Well, when I made dance team, she rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh great.  A Skipperette.’ She was always excited about your band concerts and plays.”
Me:  “Then what about the bikes?  You got a ten speed and I had to ride around on a stupid three speed.”
Onth:  “She gives your kids piano lessons!”

And on and on until finally we get tired of the argument and start trading recipes and craft patterns.  We both agree though that no matter which one of us our mother likes best, her most favorite child is our oldest brother (who is actually 4 years younger than me). 

Lots of people quote movies, and we are no exception.  We like “Look!  It’s a big ugly man-doll!” as a response for anything referred to as manly.  Also “It’s ah, very nice” is another quote we repeat frequently.  Our brothers can repeat whole Simpsons episodes and they put us to shame with their movie quoting skills. 

Onth is one of the few people to whom I feel comfortable bragging about my children.  She’ll listen to it and no matter how long I blather on about how WONDERFULLY Potato Bean plays the flute, or that JinkyBean got his 10th merit badge and has the most of all the boys the same age in his troop, she won’t scream with boredom or even say, “yeah, but I saw one of them picking between his toes and smelling it!”  She might think it, but she never says it. And she can boast about her children to me too.  I don’t mind; my nieces are pretty nifty. 

And Onth’s Chocolate Cookie recipe is my FAVORITE. 

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Name:  baby onth   

Birthday:  March 26, 1969

Go To Food:  something handy.  Recently I have enjoyed toasted bagels with p-nut butter

Introducing Lyn

Lyn recently lost 37.7 kilograms with Weight Watchers. Since I am American, I have no idea how much weight that is. Also, because I am American, I am too lazy to look it up. And finally, completing the trifecta of "I Am A Horrible American" jokes, I am totally surprised that Lyn, who is from New Zealand, is not a hobbit. (There I go again, getting my entire world view based on movies and what I read in gossip magazines.)

Welcome to the CGB, Lyn. (Has anyone ever told you that you look like Nicole Kidman?)

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Name: Lyn or affectionately known on the web as bills-honey (hubby is Bill)

Birthday: 10 Jan 1974

Go-to food for stress relief:  would have to be rice crackers (sakata brand) and hummus

Strawberry Satin Pie

Many of you have been asking for the Strawberry Pie Recipe I mentioned on Monday, so here it is. I hope I don't get left out of the family will for sharing this recipe on the world wide web.

So get this. My dad is a seminary teacher (for those of you that are not LDS, he is a teacher that all the Mormon kids go see once a day for religious education because heaven knows—and make no mistake, if you're Mormon, then you know that heaven really does know—they all slept through class on Sunday).

Back in the day, for Seminary Graduation, my mom would bake 4000 of these buggers (number possibly exaggerated) to be served after the graduation ceremony. And yes, MY MOM WAS FAMOUS FOR THIS RECIPE.

Please note, you have to arrange the strawberries just so. My mom would put one perfect berry in the center and all 8 kids would fight over who got it. It usually went to my dad. Unless it was a birthday. Then the birthday kid got it. Most of the time. In my usual rebellious way, I refuse to have a center strawberry. The rest of you may do as you wish. Just be prepared for the fights.

Strawberry Satin Pie
Combine in double boiler:
1/2 cup sugar
3 T flour
1/2 t salt
3 T cornstarch
1 envelope Knox gelatin
Gradually add 2 cups of milk, stirring until smooth.

Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is thick. Stir a little of the hot mixture into 1 beaten egg. Add back into the hot mixture and cook 1 minute longer. Chill thoroughly. (Mixture will be very thick.)

When thoroughly chilled, beat with mixer until smooth.
Fold in:
1/2 cup heavy cream, whipped (or 2 cups whipped topping)
1 tsp vanilla

Pour into baked pie shell.*

Slice 1 pint of fresh strawberries in halves, reserving one perfect FIGHT berry for the center of the pie.
Arrange berries on filling, starting at the outer edge.

Cover with glaze.

Glaze:*
Crush 1/2 cup fresh strawberries.
Add 1/2 cup water and cook 2 minutes. Strain through sieve.
Combine in small sauce pan:
1/4 cup sugar
1 T cornstarch
Stir in berry juice and red food coloring. Cook, stirring constantly until misture is thick and clear. Cook then spoon over berries on pie. Chill for 1 hour or until serving time.

Makes 8 servings.

*If you are lazy like me, you will use a frozen pie shell and store-bought glaze. That fact alone is going to get me kicked out of the will.

Also, if you are lazy like me and you don't clean your oven regularly, you may find the following in your oven when you go to cook your pie shells:

Yes, that is a fire.

Bekka's Shortbread

Absolutely, hands down the best shortbread EVER. In fact, shortbread doesn't actually begin to cover its incredibleness, so henceforth I shall refer to it as Concentrated Deliciousness in a Shortbread Like Form.

Anyway.

1 cup (2 sticks) of butter, room temperature
2 cups of flour
1/2 cup of sugar
1/4 tablespoon of salt
Milk chocolate chips/chunks (a broken up Hersheys bar works perfectly)

Mash all the ingredients (minus the chocolate) together, I find its difficult to get an even consistency without just using my hands. Once it is a uniform consistency, add the chocolate - I find about 2 or 3 chips or chip-sized-chunks per square inch is about right. Pat it all into a pastry dish - it works at any thickness, from half an inch to an inch, depending on your preference. Stick it in the oven at 375 degrees for about 20 minutes for thin, 30 minutes for thick. IT WILL NOT LOOK COOKED when it comes out, and thats ok. Ideally it should be just beginning to brown a TINY bit around the edges. Slice it while still warm, but don't try to eat it until the entire thing has cooled enough to solidify - if you're desperate, stick it in the fridge for 20 minutes.

Pure heaven, plain and simple. It is, if not the sole cause, at least a significant contributing factor to my burgeoning chubbiness. Enjoy!

Introducing Annika

When we realized that Annika is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, it was only appropriate that her introduction be written by GAF, herself a MST3K fan of gigantic proportions. (GAF, that was not a reference to your size.)

Annika’s Theme Song (sung to the tune of the MST3K theme song, which show both Annika and I like—in fact I like it so much, I have a little pewter Tom Servo and a little pewter Crow T. Robot on my curio shelf. And I have many episodes of it on tape and DVD and I watch them every week. Props go out to my husband who puts up with this)

In the world wide web of Internet
Somewhere in cyber space,
There was a girl name Annika
Who sent us a pic of her face.

She’s been to Russia a time or three
(once to Rostov Velikiy),
She did a good job posting her journal there
But that baby face on the site gave me a scare.

She sent us a yummy recipe
The best she could find
We’ll have to try it out and see
If it drives us out of our mind!

Now keep in mind she can’t control
How people mangle her name
But to be called Inthagora
Would fill me with deepest shame!   (Sorry if it’s a name you actually like!)

Fave show roll call:
Dexter!
Space Ghost!
The Simpsons!
FO-O-O-O-OX!  (as in X-Files)

If you’re wondering what she likes to read,
She’s provided lots of links,
To poetry, songs, and Russian artists,
She’s quite a well-rounded minx!

Oh, Mystery Annika Raaen 3000.

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Name: Annika Raaen

Birthday: 12/22/197

Go-to food for stress relief: Food in general, yo! Cheese, ice cream w/ bits of chocolate and cherries, and chips and salsa seem to be the current relievers.

Introducing Melanie L

In this profile, Melanie L says that the one thing her mother doesn't know is that she hasn't fixed the oil leak in her car yet. Melanie, you must know this frightens me. Not that you're keeping a secret from your own mother, no, everyone does that. (Well, except me—Hi Mom!) I'm frightened for your car.

I was originally going to tell a story about this time that I didn't change the oil in my car for a very long while, causing it to break down on the side of the road one day and how my dad and my brother, who are the two most mechanically gifted people my children will ever share DNA with (that was a subtle stab at my husband who one time drained the transmission fluid thinking it was the oil and then drove for 200 miles on a fluidless transmission), came to my rescue to fix my car and put in a new engine for much much less than I deserved to pay because the old engine had pretty much turned into a molten pile of oceanic anchor (a small piece of which was hung from my rearview mirror as a reminder to have my oil changed on a more frequent basis) and then I was going to tell y'all how much I love my dad and my brother who probably will never read this and then I started to have an internal dialogue:

Self: Why are you talking about your dad and your brother in the introduction for a member of the CGB?

Me: Well, because you've hit what real writers who are not hacks call "writer's block" and you can't come up with anything else to write about. Also, you're feeling guilty for forgetting your parent's 35th wedding anniversary. Plus, you made strawberry pies yesterday and they're your dad's favorite, so you made him an extra pie to make up for your forgetfulness.

Self: But why does that need to be in Melanie's introduction?

Me: You're right. Me, Self—you're both idiots.

So there you have it. I'm a double idiot. Who loves her dad and her brother. Dad, if you're reading this, come by and pick up your pie.

Oh, and get your oil leak fixed already, Melanie L.

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Name: Melanie

Birthday: 05/28/1976

Go-to food for stress relief: Ben & Jerry's Caramel Sutra ice cream

PMS Confession: Forced to Eat Thin Mints

The PMS made me cry during an episode of Smallville…despite the fact that I had never watched the show and was tuning in only ten minutes before it ended. And not just a little boo-hooing either – it was full-on ugly cry. The PMS then made me consume 1.5 sleeves of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies to console myself. The PMS probably would’ve made me consume both sleeves of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies had it not made me consume .5 sleeves for dinner.

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All submissions will remain anonymous so as to protect the not-so-innocent from social repercussions.

Bad Poetry Corner

A generic adult female notices the approach of another candy-intensive holiday

Ode to an Easter Rabbit

I went out for shopping

At my Target store.

There was a spring in my step

As I walked through the door.

In aisle ten I spied columns

And shelves and rowses

Of chocolate eyes

And chocolate noses.

In boxes of yellow

And pink patterns so cheery,

The voices were heard,

“You want us, dearie!”

Their smooth perky ears

Their bellies (some hollow)

Caused me to dream

Of a heavenly swallow.

For new pants and shoes

I had saved all my monies

But I went home with

One hundred choc’late bunnies!

PMS Confession: Evil H-E-double-hockeysticks Witch Revisited or Forced to Cry in the Produce Aisle

So after a day of not being very nice to my beloved he took me to get some groceries for our planned Easter feast. He stopped at the deli to pick up something to eat while I headed into the produces department. I picked up everything I needed (plus a dozen carmel filled mini coffee cakes, ahhh so much for the diet) I headed back to the deli and he was no where to be seen. I wandered looking for him for a while but I couldn't find his lovely bald head anywhere. After what seemed like a really long time (but was really more like 30 seconds) I became TOTALLY convinced that he had finally had enough of my BS and left me right there in the SuperMarket. I started to sob like a baby right there amongst the apples and heads of lettuce. I mean big HUGE rolling sobs with big fat tears running down my big fat cheeks. I was sure the man I loved had simply walked off never to be seen again. As it turns out he was sitting down eating his chicken and patiently waiting for me. I can't wait for this week to be over.

Send your PMS Confession to:
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All submissions will remain anonymous so as to protect the not-so-innocent from social repercussions.