Resolutions for 2005 or How I Try to Avoid Sticking My Head in an Oven During the Month of January

To be honest, I've never had a year where I actually stated any kind of New Year's Resolutions, with the exception of 1999 where I decided that 2000 would be the year I would save up enough money to buy a harp that I did not know how to play. That lasted until the first shoe sale of the year at Village Shoes—two weeks, I think.

So, in keeping with my slacker, too-late-to-the-party, non-goal-oriented ways, I tend to look back at the year and say, "Wow! I did that!? If I'd set that as a New Year's Resolution a year ago, I'd be totally successful!!"

Here are a few things I did this last year of which I am proud:

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Ok, here are a few things I did this last year that I'll admit to on the internet:

1. I played exactly one of five games of women's basketball and attended one practice. During the first game, I fell and hurt my knee in a way that still bothers me nearly a year later. But that wasn't my biggest problem with women's basketball. I ended up needing to buy SUPPORTIVE UNDERGARMENTS in order to force my flab closer to my body, thereby keeping it from ruining my center of gravity. And the fact that I had to wear SUPPORTIVE UNDERGARMENTS just to participate in sports depressed me enough that I became very creative in my excuses NOT to play women's basketball. I believe I actually said the words "flesh-eating bacteria" and "highly contageous in sports/exercise environments."

2. I got sucked into a job that I didn't need or want because I was experiencing horrible PMS and decided to play hardball so when The Man asked me what it would take to get me to work for him and I named what I thought were impossible conditions, and he then accepted said conditions, I felt so guilty about being such a prima donna about my conditions that I went to work for him on a "temporary" (read: one or two month) basis. I will be eligible for the 401k plan on February 2nd—my one year anniversary.

3. My children and I took a three day trip to an amusement park with my brother and three of his kids. If you're doing math, that is 2 adults, 6 children, 2 hotel rooms that I had reserved over the internet and that we barely escaped one hour after check-in without being tattooed and initiated into a gang, 2 hotel rooms that were blessedly gang-free, 1 minivan, 4 million chicken nuggets, 1 trip to the Jelly Belly
factory, and 1 giant bottle of extra-strength Excedrin to battle the 56,000 "are we there yet"s.

Hopefully 2005 will give me something else to write about that doesn't involve working for the man, sad and wrong attempts at organized sports or unhealthy amounts of painkillers. Knowing me, I doubt it.

Comments

[GAF]

And you started a blog and a website and a "report", designed a really cool logo for us fat chicks and are the best online buddy I've ever had!

I tried to wear a girdle to church one Sunday, but it was so painful, I had to sneak off into the bathroom between piano "gigs" and peel it off and stuff it into my purse.

[Sarah]

And you wrote that entry on the gynecologist that caused me to develop a crush on you and have to check this website three times a day.

Also, do you give lessons in hardball? Cos that's awesome.