Over-the-shoulder boulder holders

A generic adult female and Lane Bryant

 

Note: the following column contains the words “bra,” “breast,” “bosom,” and “jockstrap.” If any of these words make you uncomfortable, you must be a 10-year-old boy.  Get off the computer, young man, and go clean your room!

 

Recently I went shopping for bras at a local Lane Bryant store. I like shopping there because there is much more variety and they offer many more styles than found at stores that cater to the waifish. Plus, LB had a sale—buy 2 bras, get 2 free. I figured I could save me some big bucks.

 

I was disappointed by the selection of NON-underwire bras. I have tried hundreds of underwires, and given them second and third, fourth, fifth, sixth, umpteenth chances to fit me. But the underwires irritate my arms and no matter how big I buy them, the cups only ever cover three-quarters of my breasts, leaving the bottom fourth unsupported and uncovered. And since it’s the bottom part that remains bra-free, my whole bosom feels unsupported. Whenever I wear one (and I have been the owner of several) I have to keep hiking it down every five minutes, consequently losing friends and drawing aghast looks from neighbors and acquaintances. Sure, baseball players can adjust their jockstraps on national television, but a woman hiking down her bra gets asked to leave a family party.

 

Thank goodness there were four styles of undergarments that won’t have me digging and scratching and pulling at my chest area all day. Bras in hand, I walked over to the fitting area and was reminded that you need a clerk to unlock a room for you, each and every time you want to use it! That is one of the most inane fitting room policies in existence. I can’t just leave my belongings in the fitting room and dash out to get another size unless I have a friend willing to play go-fer. My husband had driven me to the mall and accompanied me inside, but upon discovering what it was I was in search of, he begged to be let off and I allowed him to flee to the Footlocker on the opposite end of the shopping center, so he was incapable of doing a size-run for me. Four times I had to put ALL of my clothes back on, rehang the bras, grab my coat, my purse, the ill-fitting bras, and leave the fitting room only to find another size of four styles of bra. Then it was off to hunt for the clerk with the key, who was, more often than not, hidden behind a rack of size 26-28 flare jeans, rehanging tank tops which are not made to stay on a hanger. It’s enough to drive me into the arms of an affectionate Cinnabon bakery.

 

And I can I complain about one more thing? The freakish lighting in the LB fitting rooms. They are directly overhead. They shine straight down on me, finding every bump and curve of cellulite to cast shadows. My upper arms looked like a vertical version of the

Appalachian Mountains

at sunset. Wall sconces, people!  With overhead lighting, I looked horrid in the lime green skirt. Had the fitting room had wall sconces, I would have made an extra $70 purchase. Wall lights = more money spent by the customer! Plus it would have made the fitting rooms more decorative. Then all they’d have to add would be fainting couches and I’d move in. 

 

I do admire LB’s clerk policy—it seems to me that every single employee of Lane Bryant is of the size to shop there. I like seeing lovely young ladies larger than me working in a clothing store; it’s comforting in a way. I wanted to hug all of them, but they all thought I wanted the fitting room opened AGAIN and had fled to the back room.

Comments

[Melanie]

The LB I shop at don't have lighting like that. Its actually very flattering. And they have chairs in the room for sitting down when you get tired, or frustrated :)

[Sarah]

I am wearing a pair of LB size 28 flare jeans right this very minute. Big props on your sconces and fainting couches idea, though for me the scones would mean I wouldn't necessarily be required to faint at seeing how I look in something like a red tube top. (The fastest I ever moved was getting out of that.) Did you get you some bras? I personally love LB bras, but I'm only without underwire if I'm unconcious and sometimes not even then.

[marta]

Snip a little hole at the end of the underwire casing and REMOVE THE UNDERWIRE. ( Pay attention carefully and you will not cut anything to compromise the integrity of the bra.) Liberation!

[marta]

I have long thought that the man who invented underwire bras should be wearing an underwire jockstrap.

[Beanie]

Man, I thought I was the only person who couldn't manage an underwire. At least strapped around me. I can manage full well to swing one at a tiny 16-year-old clerk in a training bra who tells me that my bust is simply too large for anything BUT an underwire bra. And while I'm on the topic, why must bras make my bosom pointy?? I have ten fingers with which to point, and after a certain size, pointy busts really just become a safety hazard. Is it too much to ask for nicely rounded support?

[Jerilyn]

I bought the Sensual Curves no-wire satin bra at Lane Bryant once because it was on clearance for 4 bucks or something. It's actually one of the more comfortable bras I own, although it's not good for creating any kind of cleavage as it's pretty much full coverage. On the flip side, it has serious side support to help the wearer avoid any unintentional side boobage.

[Jerilyn]

Umm...as if side boobage is ever intentional.

[Mary Siever]

I hate underwire. I refuse to wear it and I think they should be banned. I lvoe sports bras. SO comfortable! There are also Decent Exposure bras (or unbras). They are great for nursing though support...maybe.

[kara]

i despise underwire bras because i also spend time hiking the bra down or i spend the day with underwire poking my underarm.

the demi-cup bras from LB are actually the most comfortable underwire i've worn in forever (there was once a lovely bra from bali that i discovered, then it was discontinued). anyway, the demi-cup is good, but it unfortunately only comes up to a DD cup. so, i don't wear those.

um, yeah, anyway. i wish the no-wire bras were more attractive.

[~Zes~]

Speaking of underwires...

I recently found one that I actually love. What is freakishly amazing is that it is made by Victoria's Secret, the same company I once cursed because they catered only to 36 or lower and their D-cups were more like an A and a half. I'm so glad, when I went in to buy only fragrance, that the sales lady persuaded me to try on the "Body By Victoria" bras... because even in bad lighting I looked pretty dang good and it was comfortable too. All I can say is...

check 'em out (Click on ~Zes~) and then try 'em. If you don't like what you see, you can choke me to death with it, underwire and all.

[Susannah]

Ick, ick, ick, ick. I spit on non-underwire bras *patooee*. My sister recently had a baby and is at a size where underwire is UNAVAILABLE. She and I are counting the days til she can wear it again. Blech!!!

Sports bras and lack-o-wire ones are hideous on me. (Frankly on anyone, in my personal and very snotty opinion.) I've refused to wear one since 10th grade.

I personally have LB's Deep Plunge Cleavage-Enhancing bras in about 3 colors. Mmmmmm. I hate the feeling of fabric/wire between 'the boys'; on this one it is only about 2 inches long. Lovely!

[jess]

ok well when you have no breasts at all, the underwire rides up because it has nothing to hold onto, therefore resulting in the same public bra-yanking. And the same funny looks. Alas, we are two different books on the same shelf.

[Kristina]

I have bra fitting advice. This is an old post, but maybe it will help you.
If the underwires are bothering you it is most likely due to not wearing the correct size for your body type. I own an Online Lingerie Boutique, GigisCloset.com, and this is fairly common with women who have large breasts and/ or chubby.
Solution (most likely) go down in band size and up in Cup size(s). The letter is just a letter. My mother had the same exact problem. She is looking AWESOME in a 36FF. She looks so put together. She was wearing 38 DDD or E and it just wasn't right. The wires were uncomfortable, the support wasn't what it could be. The size in the measurement was coming from her breasts, not her back. If your frame is smaller, this maybe the same issue you have.

I would also recommned a quality made bra because they are graded for each and every size. Graded means that a 38 band is different than a 36 band as well as the wire for the cup is different for each and every band size. They don't just take a D cup wire and stick it on a 36 band. Quality bras are made special for each size. That is one of the reasons why they are more expensive. If it is cheap, then it is cheap.
BTW, I love wireless bras. They are great. I am working on getting some in large cup sizes at my store.
I carry every size in bras.
this is a fun site.