Changes aren't afoot

A generic adult female evaluates her life and finds nothing wrong with it.

Who is the mean-spirited dope who is responsible for coming up with the idea of New Year’s resolutions?  In general, I mean; I’m not talking about the other dope who suggested we Chubby Girls write about our resolutions, thus committing me to spending precious Winter Break minutes at the computer and not fondling the bag of Hershey’s Kisses that is on my nightstand.

Why do we have to go through an annual self-flagellation?  Is it really productive to look at all my bad points and then convince myself that I will change, only to fail miserably 6 days into the New Year? Then comes the disappointment in myself, the depression, the crying jags.  And for me, crying jags lead to consuming entire bags of Nestle’s Creamy Caramel Treasures in minutes.  And while I secretly look forward to the odd crying jag just so I can justify inhaling my Prozac of choice, I don’t want to spend the whole year on the bed, surrounded by empty purple wrappers, on account of failed attempts at improving my body, my mind, and my emotional health.

So I decided to make some resolutions that will be easy to break, both emotionally and without any effort wasted on the attempt to keep them.  That way, I can write this assignment AND keep up my resolution to be happy with myself by not making any actual resolutions.

#1—Travel to Mongolia.  My husband and I never had a honeymoon and I’ll not break that tradition by not going to visit central Asia.  I don’t like yaks and I can’t imagine a more bleak place not to visit.  (And if you can sort through all the negatives in this paragraph and figure out what I really said, email me, because I’ve confused myself)

#2—Use more lentils in my cooking.  Not only are lentils totally unappetizing in appearance, but I can’t find any recipes that include them in my vast collection of chocolate cake cookbooks.  Plus, they are chock-full of dietary fiber (they have the highest content of fiber in comparison to everything else, with the possible exception of homemade paper) and you know consuming mass quantities of dietary fiber means—increased output of intestinal gasses.  I’m not about to start eating LOTS of something that requires constant apologies for stinking up the room.

#3—Do 10 situps before logging on to the internet.  I’ve already tried doing this three months ago and I lasted 2 days.  I’ve since gotten over my feeling of failure regarding this resolution so I feel confident that not keeping it this time won’t have any negative emotional effects.

#4—Learn to weld.  I’m not good with tools that require many, many safety precautions.  I’m easily distracted, and wouldn’t you know that the first time I tried welding on my own, I’d probably remember that I had to clean out the sink trap and I’d leave the torch burning while I went to rectify the slow drainage problem.  The house would burn down and I’d die.  So that would be no good. 

My conclusion:  Trying to improve your life, health, self-image, and experiences is a major cause of depression and death. 

Comments

[Melanie]

Amen sister! Everyone's running around, Im gonna lose weight for the new year, ya da ya da ya da. Why don't they just save the time and money they will waste on unsuccessfully trying to lose weight and spend it on something good. Like new shoes. Lots of new shoes. Besides, have you all SEEN a weight watcher room, the first meeting after the new year? Its SCARY!

[jess]

goddamn it this was hilarious LOL

[em]

This is months and months later, but I wanted to put in a good word for Mongolia. Mongolia is amazing—one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Mindblowing. If you're ever in the mood for travel resolutions of the plan-making variety, don't cross Mongolia off your list because it sounds "bleak."

[em]

This is months and months later, but I wanted to put in a good word for Mongolia. Mongolia is amazing—one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Mindblowing. If you're ever in the mood for travel resolutions of the plan-making variety, don't cross Mongolia off your list because it sounds "bleak."