October—Time for Scary Stories
A generic adult female embraces her inner fraidy-cat.
Ah, fall! I love autumn! I love the color orange, although I would never wear orange (it clashes with my freckles) nor would I paint any room in my house orange: mostly because I want orange to maintain its feeling of Halloweenness and if I use orange willy-nilly, whenever and wherever I please, the connection will lose its meaning.
I love pumpkins, because they are orange and shaped like me. When the 1st of October rolls around, I dig out the Halloween decorations and my house becomes a cheesy tribute to the many cumulative days I have spent at the craft store during the fall season. I have no scheme for my decorating, I just put my junk out on any uncluttered surface and hope that the kids and cats don’t wreck it.
I love the leaf clutter in the yards. I love the swish-swish of the leaves as I shuffle through them on my morning walks! If Heavenly Father had wanted us to keep our yards perpetually leaf-free, He would have made trees to grow their own compost bins with vacuum fans.
I love the cold weather. I hate heat. I hate sweating. I love this time of year when I can turn on the fake fire, grab a novel from the shelf (either “Pride and Prejudice,” “The Princess Bride” or any of the Harry Potter books), make myself a steaming cup of cocoa topped with lots of marshmallows, pull out a cozy blanket from the storage cupboard, and scream, “ACK! Help! Huge giant spider! Help! Fred, Carl, Manny, Winchester, whoever you are (my husband—I’ve forgotten his name in my panic) KILL IT BEFORE IT EATS ME!” And just as the spider is about to plunge his hideous venom-coated fangs into my leg through my denim jeans and the quilt, GAH leans over with a Kleenex, and squishes it between his thumb and forefinger. Then he looks me in the eye, and says, “Baby” (and not in the sense of “Hey sugar, I’m ready for some huggin’.”)
But seriously, spiders are evil! There’s a devilish plot by the federal government to keep us in the dark about man-eating spiders—they have huge pull with the elementary school system, who have managed to convince us humans, via years of brainwashing through shady “ecology” curricula, that we are at the top of the food chain. I’ve seen “Giant Spider Invasion,” “Arachnaphobia” and “Eight-Legged Freaks” so I know the truth—we are only second to the top. There are man-eating spiders out there, and any one of the “harmless” arachnids we see in our homes could be the spawn of such monsters, just waiting until we are sleeping to grow really huge, wrap us in spider silk and suck out our innards.
Believe it or not, there is one thing I find scarier than spiders, but I’ll save that for next time. Sleep lightly, my friends. They are out there.
*shudder* i hate spiders.
and i just thought i would mention that my dining room is orange and it's fantastic. orange is supposed to inspire appetite. not that i need inspiration... but guests love it.
Posted by: Hannah | 15 October 2004 at 05:07 PM
If I painted any room in the house orange, I would seriously be tempted to paint a jack o'lantern face on the wall. Of course it would be my favorite wall in the whole house and I would stroke it lovingly on a daily basis, but my husband would never agree to it. He wants to hog all my loving caresses.
Posted by: GAF | 15 October 2004 at 05:12 PM
heehee :o)
Posted by: Hannah | 15 October 2004 at 05:26 PM
"I would stroke it lovingly on a daily basis, but my husband would never agree to it. He wants to hog all my loving caresses."
GAF, you kill me.
Posted by: Jerilyn | 16 October 2004 at 04:38 PM
I'm with you. Autumn is my favorite season. Winter is my second favorite even though I complain when I have to dig my car out from 12 to 24 inches of snow. Spring is nice because we can open the windows and let a breeze in. Once Summer hits, I'm waiting for fall to start. I hate summer!
Posted by: Bea | 17 October 2004 at 06:49 AM
Spiders don't scare me, or snakes. In fact nothing much *real* scares me. But I am scared of monsters, and scary movies kill me. That's weird huh?
Posted by: Lisa | 17 October 2004 at 01:09 PM
I have no idea how I found this site. But I love it. When I get off my lazy ass and decide to work on my thing, I'm adding this link with the quickness (mind you, this is not a masked request for reciprocity -- this site is just extremely fun, and it made me laugh.) The entry I first read was an archive, and it was about corsets and the wizard of oz. But yeah. Awesome.
Posted by: jess | 17 October 2004 at 07:40 PM
Jess, sweetie, of course we'll trade links. Just send us the URL: [email protected] and we'll take care of you—anything to stroke our already overly inflated egos.
Posted by: Jerilyn | 17 October 2004 at 08:49 PM