Diets My Husband Has Suggested We Go On

My husband (mastermind behind the "Survivor Diet") has, over the years, suggested various other diets that we should attempt in order to lose weight. Keep in mind that my husband, while in possession of one Class C (Professional Level) First Aid Card, is NOT a medical professional and his diet advice should be taken with tongue in cheek (which may very well be another diet plan he suggests in the near future).

Here is a random sampling:

"Celery and Salt"
My husband actually did lose several pounds while eating almost a whole bunch (is it a bunch? a group? a package? a murder—oh wait, that's crows) of celery every day. He did gain it back when he realized
salt was MUCH BETTER on buttered popcorn. I would rather cut the skin under my fingernails with an Exacto knife and then soak my fingers in vinegar than eat celery.

"Dried Bananas"
My husband discovered that if you eat a bunch of dried bananas followed by a great deal of water, said bananas will swell up in your stomach and make you feel full. He's also learned that too many dried bananas followed by water will STOP YOU UP. In this same vein, he has also suggested the "Handful of Dry Wheat" Diet as well as the "1 Cup of Raw White Rice" Diet. I don't know about you, but dried bananas do nothing but give me gas so bad I will rattle windows, and I'd rather eat packing peanuts than dry wheat or raw rice.

"Carrot Juice"
My husband is mesmerized by the JuiceMan. I am mesmerized by the JuiceMan's eyebrows, but that's another story. My husband believes that if we start drinking nothing but carrot juice, that the pounds will
just melt away. I believe that if we start drinking nothing but carrot juice that our skin will turn orange and all my weight will move to my feet in a quest to burrow underground.

"Crystal Meth"
Ok, this one I snuck in as a joke, but seriously—why is it that the crack whores are always so skinny? And if I did, say, start meth as a weight loss plan, could I stop it by the time I got down to, say, a size 8? And if not, how much money are crack whores making?

"Let's get a Tapeworm!"
My husband even went so far as to speak with a veterinarian friend of ours to find out what kinds of animals get tapeworms, in what geographical area they get them and if it was possible for her to "bring two or three—honey, do you want one or two?—home" for him to uh, "have a look at for purely educational reasons."

The way I see it, the best part about having a tapeworm is that you don't have to exercise, you don't have to alter your diet, you can use the term "we" with reckless abandon (Example: "Yes waiter, we would like a refill on our diet—make that REGULAR—coke."), and you can sing that song, "You're Not Alone" (quietly to yourself and your new best friend) and know that IT'S TOTALLY TRUE.

Comments

[Sarah]

Totally awesome! I have been considering implementing the Meth diet, but with an added Xanax component, for after 5. The doctor, though, doesn't think I'm cute when I say, "Hey, can I get some amphetamines?" Guess I'll have to hit the streets.

My favorite loony diet so far is the "Garden of Eden" diet where you eat nothing but raw vegetables and carrot juice (!) forever. My mom tried to foist this one on me many years ago. I said, "Mom, if nothing else is the same as it was when there was a Garden of Eden, why should we eat like it?" She said, "Jesus doesn't like it when you're a smartass."

[Colleen]

"She said, 'Jesus doesn't like it when you're a smartass.'"

That is the funniest thing I have read today.

[Miss Laura]

Same here actually - mwahahaha!

[Amber]

Diets I've tried: The cabbage soup diet. Not good at all when made with spicy V8, quite hellish, in fact. I either lost or gained one pound, I don't recall.

Diets I've made up:

Poverty diet. Eat only what you can afford through temp work. A box of ricearoni (without butter) should last 3 days or more. On payday, buy a candy bar. This is guaranteed melt pounds.

Eat only what the baby eats. This one only worked before the baby became hopelessly addicted to vanilla wafers, whole milk, and juice.

I'm interested in that Meth Diet. I hear it's quite effective.