My Gynecology Appointment or The Day I Ate An Entire Package of Pillsbury's White Chocolate and Macadamia Nut Cookie Dough While Sobbing In My Car

I have very bad PMS. Not today, mind you (although I don't know when you're reading this, so it really could be today and if that's the case, BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE), but about once a week every month, I am UNBEARABLE. Frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm not quite functional as a human being, so recently I broke down and went to see a women's specialist about it.

First off, she weighed me. Ugh. The words "she weighed me" carry more weight (har har) for a chubby girl than anything I could have written, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sure you feel my pain.

Next, we talked about my HELLISH PMS and how I cannot even cope with the sound of people chewing or even their very presence on this earth at times. I even cried. And not the fake girl tears that will get me stuff. Real tears.

She then said THE WORST THING THAT SHE COULD HAVE POSSIBLE SAID TO ANYONE. EVER.

"If you could lose a few pounds, I'm sure all the symptoms you've described would simply go away."

She then proceeded to give me a flyer entitled, "Fat Loss Tips" or as I like to call it "The Chubby Girl's Badge of Morbid Obesity."

I share them now with you.

1. Eat your meals and snacks spread out every 4-5 hours during the hours you are awake.
I have to go 4 or 5 hours without eating? And if I stay up later at night, do I get to eat more? And if I'm waiting 4-5 hours in between meals AND snacks, does that mean I'll never actually sleep?

2. Consume small amounts of low-fat protein with each meal. The size of the protein should be about the size of the palm of your hand.
Is she talking about her palm or my palm, because frankly, my palm is the size of a 16 oz piece of PRIME RIB.

3. Try to stop eating 2 hours before you go to bed.
I like how they added the "try" as if they don't think I really can do it or that I really have no control over my hands and mouth at night. Yes, that's me, being pulled to the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer at 10 pm. Kicking and screaming the whole way.

4. Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. Add real lemon for taste and cleansing effect.
I'm concerned about what "cleansing effect" the lemon will have. Will it cleanse my colon? Will it cleanse my 8-10 glasses? (That will save me some work down the road.) Will it cleanse my palate so I can eat more Cheetos?

5. Limit or eliminate all juices, sodas, and other sugary drinks from your diet.
I am overjoyed that Diet Coke wasn't listed. There may be hope for me yet.

6. Add good fat to your diet, such as nuts, olives, olive oil and avocados. Try to avoid lard and margarine.
I think the term "good fat" is subjective. For example, deep-fried mozzeralla cheese sticks are good, and they're high in fat, but I don't see them on the list. I'm sure it was just an oversight.

7. Add 30 minutes of "heart pumping exercise" to your day, five days per week.
So, sitting in front of the scale, getting up the courage to lumber on, gets my heart pumping. Does that count?
How about catching a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror after I get out of the shower? I could easily do that 30 times a day (the glimpsing, not the showering).

8. Add 10-30 minutes of weight resistance exercises.
Hey, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not so good at resisting weight. So, I'm going to venture a guess that "weight resistance exercises" are something like pushing away that last caramel sticky bun, or scooping two scoops of ice cream instead of eight.

In case you're wondering, I am trying to incorporate some of these into my diet. I really do want my PMS to get better, and if this is what will help, I need to give it a shot. For the doctor's sake, it had better work, because in about 10 more days, the PMS returns and if I'm not feeling any better, she's going to hear about it and then maybe she'll understand what HELLISH PMS really is.

Comments

[mikie]

Actually, I think it means that you get to sleep in between meals (or something). Woo!

I thought it was supposed to be better to eat smaller meals but eat them more frequently, like 4-5 small meals a day instead of 3 larger meals? I dunno. I forgot to eat breakfast today so I'm quite hungry at the moment. All this talk about food...

[GAF]

I've tried not eating 2 hours before bed, but it's hard to tell the GAH that no, I don't want the whole bowl of popcorn that he fixed just for me as a surprise, or the pint carton of Fudge Brownie Ice Cream that he got just for me on his 11 p.m. run to the store for more milk, or the box of Dove bars that he bought just for me to butter me up and make me more friendly later on.

[Ll]

There's this Body For Life program which is a very stringent diet and exercise regiment. The diet involves eating six smaller meals a day. I tried to go on it but I couldn't eat that often. In fact, I've heard others claim that it caused them to develop an eating disorder and I can very much believe it.

Also, Mikie - there were KRISPY KREME sitting on the counter this morning (two boxes!) and I thought of you at work calculating what all you would have to do in order to work one off, heh. But I RESISTED - for now.

[mikie]

I coulda had one today Llew. I went to calculate what my calorie total would be if I ate the apple sitting on my desk and realized I was at zero for the day. Doh! Alas, the Krispy Kremes are only around when I shouldn't eat them... and let's not mention the sugar cookies with pink frosting that were thrown at me on more than one occasion at work yesterday!

[Sarah]

I've just started reading and I want to say right up front that I have a crush on you Jerilyn. I think it is partly cos you're cute and funny, but partly because I feel total solidarity with you vis a vis ob/gyn visits that also function as penance. I had one this past summer where I also broke down sobbing. I didn't immediately end up with a sheet of diet tips (that happened later, at the nutritionist, and is a whole other story) but I did get a therapist and a needless endometrial biopsy within the week. If you have to go back, you should ask her if losing 10 pounds will help with her being a total asshole problem.

[Laura]

Unfortunately once you are carrying any extra weight at all, it's the culprit for every possible health problem you could have.

doc: "what seems to be the problem?"
me: "well, my arm is dangling by a thread after a mishap trying to chase down the ice cream man."
doc: "I see here that you are carrying some extra weight. I'm sure if you lost 50 pounds that problem would go away."

I don't even go anymore.

[Laura]

Oh, and that not eating 2 hours before bed thing? It's a total myth. She could have given you something accurate at least.

[Jerilyn]

"Unfortunately once you are carrying any extra weight at all, it's the culprit for every possible health problem you could have."

Laura, I started to read that and thought I was about to get ANOTHER LECTURE And then I was going to HATE YOU AND BAN YOU FOR LIFE (and eat more cookie dough).

But now, dear Laura, I LOVE YOU.

[Mary Siever]

I just disovered your blog and am enjoying every minute of it. How refreshing to read something so realistic. Having dealt with weight issues most of my adult/teenage life I can totally relate. I apologise in advance though if you read my blog, I am losing weight but if I don't I won't be able to have any more babies. There are still times though when I wish I could just do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences. Sigh. Oh well. I love your writings, all 3 of you. Thanks for doing this. :)

oh and my two bits on this post. Yeah, the attitude many medical professionals have is that weight is related to everything well it isn't. And besides that they have stupid suggestions. I had a doctor tell me I had to lose weight, he didn't care how I did it. And he got mad at me for laughing at him. I was 20 years old (this was about 13 years ago) and I knew that if he said that to a more naive girl, he would have more serious problems on his hands than a patient who was overweight. Anyway, I could go on and on about this.

[Jerilyn]

Welcome Mary, wife of Kim and of Bloggernacle fame! (see, I really DO stalk our readers!)

Congratulations on the weight loss! The CGB certainly won't boot you for that! We're all about being happy in our own skin, although there are times I would give up my right arm to wear a size 6—oh, who am I kidding—I'd love to fit in a size 18 without seriously cutting off my circulation!

[Danie]

You know, this really pisses me off. I love how weight loss is the answer to everything from PMS to premature grey hair. And, for the record, I do watch my weight and my diet, as I find that keeping the weight a little lower and the protein level much higher helps my PCOS.

Anyway.

A few months after my son was born, my PMS came back like a mofo. My OB/GYN helped me to navigate the maze of nutritional and other remedies, and we finally found a combo that worked for me. I used natural progesterone cream, evening primrose oil, and dextrose drinks at varying times in my cycle, and that did the trick for me, after some trial and error. I do recommend "Prescription for Nutritional Healing" -- it's the book we got the most use out of.

These days, I take Lexapro (an anti-depressant), and it doesn't touch the PMS. I hate to say it, but exercise does really help me. Or maybe it's that it's the same sensation I'd get beating the crap out of something.

As far as heavy PMS and having "extra" weight goes, have you looked into PCOS?

-D

[Jerilyn]

Actually, I have been diagnosed with PCOS, as have two of my sisters.

[Mary Siever]

Thanks Jerilyn :)

I have PCOS too as do both of my sisters. It is a very frustrating condition.

[Miss Laura]

Tell me about it! I'm a fellow PCOS-er. I love when they tell you about what you have and then start listing the symptoms which is EVERYTHING I EVER HAD A NIGHTMARE ABOUT. For years after they diagnosed me I imagined that the next day I was going to wake up too large to fit in regular clothes with a beard. I'm still working on that, because - screw it - a mu-mu looks pretty comfy these days.

Also, Mary I read on your blog about a PCOS program. What does that entail?

[Maven]

I loathe when they reduce everything from a common cold or a hangnail to the fact that we are chubby. And what's even "better" than that is when they inform us that we are fat, as if our aching back or joints or the fact that some of us (moi included) have difficulties with some yoga or sexual positions because of our bellies. I just want to yelp out at moments like that, "Gee, so should I refer to you as your SuperHero alter ego?" And when they ask what I mean, blurt out indelicately, "Oh you know...if you were a super hero, you'd be Captain Obvious." Personally I've been conditioned over the course of my years to take any thing said about my weight as an obvious POT SHOT. Gee, perhaps we are going to our medical professionals for suggestions (besides the OBVIOUS) to help us.

[Maven]

PS: I'm a PCOSer too. Atkins worked pretty good at helping with my insulin resistance and weight loss (40 lbs); however I'm suffering some signs of gout and have to revamp my regimen.

[Mary Siever]

Miss Laura
the 12 week PCOS program was specificially designed to help PCOSers get their symptoms under control. And it works! A PCOSer designed it. If you are interested then email me at [email protected] and I will send it to you (or anyone who is interested). I don't believe in "low carb" per se, I believe in healthy eating which includes healthy carbs like vegetables and fruits and whole grains in proper amounts. It's the simple carbs that are the real problems, white flour, processed food and junk food. Eliminate those and you have better control over insulin resistance. I am living proof of that!!

[Janice]

I've just discovered this website while googling for a Xmas cookie recipe! Haha

I feel compelled to throw in my comment re: doctors et al. I did not get a pelvic/Pap for EIGHT years, because I was too embarrassed to do the weigh-in.

Finally, one day, it dawned on me...JUST SAY NO. Now when the skinny b***h points at the scale with her little knowing smirk, I say "No, thanks!"

You do NOT have to go through the humiliating ritual of allowing someone else to be within 10 miles of you when you step on the scale.

So, about that cookie recipe =). It was made with an Andes Mint folded into a cookie that came out looking like a Xmas tree. Anyone??? Thanks! And GREAT SITE!!!!

[Miss Laura]

The Andes mint cookies recipe on this site just have andes mints used as a icing (kind of) on a thin chocolate cookie. They're oh so yummy but they in no way resemble a christmas tree. Good luck though and if you find the recipe PASS IT ON TO US!

[Kim Siever]

Mint? Chocolate? Together?

Gross.

[GAF]

Oh, you have GOT to be joking. Mint and chocolate together is the essence of sublime. Especially the Andes Mint Cookies.

[Jerilyn]

Safeway has store brand mint oreos that are DOUBLE STUFFED. And right now, they're only $2 a package. They also have s'more and neopolitan flavors.

It's a great time to be alive. And fat.

[Hope]

*falls over laughing* VIVE LE MORBIDLY OBESE!!

I love you ladies--I love everything about this place *gets comfy* pass me the cheap mint oreos!

[Miss Laura]

Mint and chocolate are my favorite combination! I should write an ode to grasshopper shakes. And grasshopper brownies. And andes mints.

When I was younger, my oldest brother had a box of andes mints. He returned from school one day to find them GONE. There were wrappers but no mints. I was blamed and punished. Years and years later my other brother confessed to the crimes. Now each holiday I usually throw in a box of Andes mints with his gift. Hehe.

[Kim Siever]

No joking. Chocolate was never meant to be flavoured. That goes to orange-flavoured chocolate, too.

I am going to go puke now.

Shudder.