A Period Piece

Warning: To anyone who is embarrassed by any of the following words: Kotex, tampon, period, feminine hygiene, Aunt Flo, sanitary napkin, monthly visitor, ovary, uterus, PMS—GET OVER IT!

A generic adult female gets a monthly visit from the period fairy and, in a fit of PMS-fueled anger, promptly whacks the little winged intruder upside the head with the 3-hole punch, and stalks off to cuddle up with the hot water bottle, a 3 lb. canister of Midol, and all the chocolate she can find in the house, and then she sends the generic adult husband out to Sam’s Club to get more because DAMMIT there’s NOT enough!

Yes, my chubby friends, eventually someone here at the CGB website writers’ sweatshop was going to mention her period. It’s a commonly known fact that if you get two or more adult females together, they will start discussing childbirth, crafting hobbies, or menstruation. And since I rely heavily on estrogen in formulating my identity, you get to listen to me talk about that wonderful part of a woman’s life when she is reminded that life is bloody hell. So siddown and shaddup!

I just noticed that my favorite brand of feminine hygiene product has recently added a new feature to the packaging of their sanitary napkins. They’ve started giving “Tips for Life” on the paper strip that protects the adhesive: “Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches” and “Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily to help keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.”

Really, is that the best place to start giving advice? Most days during my period, I am too loopy to be able to read. Besides, would a person actually want to admit to getting their information from a piece of paper adhered to a mini-diaper? It’s not even something you learn from your mother. Neither do you get good information from the 6th grade health class unit called “Your Reproductive System and You.” The only thing we learned in that class was not to giggle when the teacher said “penis.” The teacher even had a question box where we could submit questions anonymously, but only one girl in the class had the courage to be anonymous. She asked “How much does it hurt to have a baby?” The teacher answered, “I don’t know. I’ve never had one.” So a fat lot of help Mrs. Kimberly Clark was.

Now, if Kotex REALLY wants to provide a service, they need to change their hints. Avoiding caffeine eases cramping? If only it were that simple. A more truthful approach would be “Avoiding stressful situations like work, home, people, in-laws who like to criticize, traffic, gym class, laundry, cooking, leaky radiator in your car, the research paper on the how ‘manifest destiny’ influenced the Industrial Revolution, and rational thought, will ease cramping. Use this paper strip as a note to release you from the aforementioned situations.”

Likewise, the advice to drink 6-8 glasses of water to feel fresh is misleading. It should read, “To feel fresh, get a hysterectomy.”

Comments

[Jerilyn]

Favorite GAF post ever.

[Miss Laura]

I've noticed those little sayings as well on the pad strips as well. Obviously, whoever thought of that is an idiot and has never been around a girl like me during her period. The last thing I want is to be told what I SHOULD be doing and what I SHOULDN'T be eating or drinking. You tell me no caffeine and before the words are out I already have a chocolate IV halfway in because I'VE JUST BEEN LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE ALL ALONG ANYWAY.

Things I've learned not to do on my period:
1. Get a haircut.
2. Start a book where the girl gets dumped in a horrible manner on the first page.
3. Watch Sex In The City.

[Zippy Pool]

Ewwwwwwwe.,.,.,.

[Miss Laura]

Don't tempt me to post things that are really Ewww worthy.

[GAF]

As a woman and a mother, I HAVE TO LIVE WITH "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" STUFF EVERY FREAKIN' DAY! At least I didn't actually describe my period. I only talked about Kotex wrappers.

Anyway, I, too, disagree that chocolate makes period cramping worse. Besides, a girl can always take medication for cramping. It's the chocolate that medicates my psychotic tendencies during menstruation.

[Maven]

I find that by avoiding viewing my "absorbables" as some kind of menstrual Raushach test, helps too.

[~Zes~]

I think they should put fortunes on the wrappers:

"For happiness, eat chocolate."

"Take Midol for good luck."

"Give this fortune to your husband: If you don't stop blaming things on PMS, you might die."

[Period Hater]

Does anyone else get those chicken liver-looking clots?

[Jerilyn]

Yes. All the time.

[GAF]

Me too. I don't want to go into too much detail, but that's mostly what my period is for the first 3 days. ICK

[OtherErin]

I noticed those too -- and they all say the same thing. So what's the point? Do they think we all use just one, and reading it every month is a nice refresher course?

Kotex should hook with with Bazooka Joe, then at least we'd get bad jokes for our menstrual pleasure. Now THAT'S marketing!

[Jerilyn]

OH MY GOODNESS. What an awesome idea!

[Maven]

Perhaps this might cheer you up?

http://www.dittie.com/flash/tamponbowling.htm

[Shelly]

This is why I'm on Depo. I don't have to freakin' deal with it!

[Tawny]

Hahahahaha. Got a total hysterectomy. No more visits from Aunt Flo, ever! Hahahaha!

Of course, I've gained twenty pounds since I got it. :-/

[Andy]

What I'd like to know is WHY must Midol caplets come in those awful little Really-Hard-To-Peel-Open blisterpacks? Come on... I'm already a pretty scary blend of Superklutz and her sidekick Homicidal Girl... don't make me have to take an engineering course to open up my freaking relief-candy. Grr.

[Au Natural]

In the last year I switched to Glad Rags (cloth pads made of soft flannel purchased at my health food store) and I supplement with cut up terry bath towel squares at night (I too suffer from the chicken liver problem for the first couple of days). It has been the most liberating thing not to have to purchase pads anymore. I feel so in control and never worry about running out. I like the cartoon and fortune cookie idea though.