What not to say

A generic adult female gets snippy

Everywhere I go, I know they are thinking it. They are looking at me and wondering, “Is she pregnant? Should I congratulate her?”

To all of you gawkers and wonderers: NO and NO (unless you are congratulating me for being a singularly beautiful and talented woman).

There are the brazen few who don’t wonder, they just go right ahead and say it. I’d like to stomp on their toes, but my aim isn’t too good. I grab one of my stock replies and spew it forth from my mouth and hope it penetrates their tiny Neanderthal brains.

The question usually comes forth as such: “When is your baby due?”

Stock reply #1: “Oh, I’m not pregnant; I’m just really fat, thanks.” This is the one I usually use. The unmannerly person will hopefully turn bright crimson and stammer, “I’m sorry. It’s just that you look…uh well, that’s a nice dress you have on.” And I frown again and say, “It’s not a dress, it’s my shirt. See the pants way down there underneath my grotesquely large tummy?” And they slink off somewhere else, like the weasels they are.

Stock reply #2: “Six years ago.” This usually generates a puzzled look on the face of the other person, until they figure out what I mean. Then the stammering apology again begins, but conversation then veers towards the child that was born six years ago. Yes, he’s an energetic boy. Yes, he’s cute and we wouldn’t trade him for the world. And then I get the rundown on their kids, if they have any. And if the other person is female (and she really should have known better than to ask when I was due if I haven’t ever mentioned that I was pregnant) she starts in on her pregnancies and subsequent children. So I try not to use this response, because I inevitably wind up feeling like they want to be chummy with me, when I really want to bash their toes with a tire iron for suggesting that I look pregnant.

Stock reply #3: “I’m not actually pregnant—the last time I was, though, I really liked my figure so I ended up making the look permanent.” People end up thinking I’m crazy and smile weakly and back away slowly. I find a lot of people don’t get sarcasm. But they do get pain, and that’s why I’ve taken to carrying a bowling ball with me.

So the next time you see me, tell me how totally not pregnant I look, or I might bowl a strike using your toes as pins.

Comments

[Ll]

Personally, I believe that there are some justified reasons for homicide. If I were to kill my sister, the dirty hippie, and the judge were someone who knew her - he'd probably award me rather than sending me to prison.

I think if someone asks if you're pregnant when you're not then it would be a commendable thing to just SMACK THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD.

Really, go for it.

[Jerilyn]

TRUE STORY

Setting: Checkout at the grocery store.

Female Clerk: When is your baby due?

Me: Uhhh....I'm not pregnant.

Female Clerk: Are you sure?

[Kimberly]

Two weeks after a friend of mine started her new job, she thought she overheard some coworkers talking about another (overweight) woman being pregnant. So this friend of mine spread the news as well, which of course wasn't true, and my friend was mortified when the overweight woman came into her cube and said, "I'm not pregnant! It's just FAT! SEE??"

To this day, my friend would not ask someone if she's pregnant even if she were to see the baby pop on out.

[Bekka]

This summer, working at a doctors office, one senile patient asked me when I was due. Note that I'm a 5'7" 160 lb 17 year old, size 12, and do not in any universe look pregnant, or at least no more so than 50% of the population. I had to take the rest of the day off, and swore never to wear scrubs again for as long as I live.

[twinBabyFat]

My lovely cousin gets asked this a lot because of the way she carries her weight and has come up with the most satisfying response: "I'm due in 6 weeks." It's gratifying because although she may look pregnant, she doesn't look 8 months pregnant, so everyone immediately compliments her on how skinny she is!

[OtherErin]

A couple I enjoy:

I'm not sure, when's your lobotomy?

(Really excited) OMG! I'm pregnant?!? Who's the father?!?! Is it you?!?

[Lauren M]

Yeesh Im sorry that such an embarrassing thing happened to you.
But honestly, people are not trying to insult you. They ought to just keep their mouths shut, I know. But the other day my this saleslady that my mom had met once before was talking to us and happened to mention her "pms and bloating".
When she walked away, I joked to my mother "a little TMI (too much info :} )
But my mother said "well im glad she said that because I thought she was having a baby and was going to say something".
My mother had a look of shock/grattitude on her face. So Im sure she will never comment upon someones "due date" without getting the facts ever again.

[K]

I lost my babt last year on April, did not look pregnant then, and I have just been asked when my baby was due by the clerk, now that it's been over 1 year ago. When I told her I was not, she asked me, "Are you sure; you look like you have a bit of a stomache there." Then I had to tell her I lost my baby a year ago and that I've gained weight since then, to which she replied for me to hang in there. About a couple months ago a realtor asked if this was my first baby. I didn't know what he was asking, I thought he meant house, so I kept asking, "What?" Until my husband finally told him that I was not pregnant.

[b]

I just started a new job in a retail store. The other day I was helping a customer. The store was fairly busy. All of a sudden she said oh my god I didn't even notice you were pregnant. I tried to ignore her comment but she kept going. When are you due she asked? Ummmm The end of June I said......ooops Not thinking of the consequences. Now I have to get a hold of her and apologize so that she doesn't come in in a month or two and wonder why I haven't had the baby. What should I do??

[Lehorn]

I have the reverse happening to me. I am "pleasantly plump" prior to and now am pregnant. I have mentioned to a few people during pregnancy conversations how far along I am (7 months). The main reaction has been to stare at with the "no way" look and then have them say "Really? I couldn't tell." Or "Gee I didn't know you were."

Ok I know my belly was not sticking this straight far out b4 but hey! Just a 'congrats' would have been sufficeint.

I guess the wrong thing will be said no matter what, eh?

[leap-b4-ulook]

I have heard this question a few times in my life. I never handle it gracefully, and it depresses me terribly. So much so that I have been holding my stomach in for years. I realized recently, after watching a funky sexologist on Lifetime TV, that this means I'm basically not breathing properly. So for the last few days, I've thought, f**k it. I'm letting my stomach hang out and I'm going to just BREATHE. And if anyone asks me the question, I'll have enough oxygen in my system to do some damage. ;)

[NuggetMaven]

I never understood why perfect strangers would feel compelled to congratulate you for being pregnant. People just don't think about how insensitive some things are. Wanna make small talk? Talk about the weather! The stock market! The price of tea in China! I just don't get the whole presumptuous-stranger-pregnancy-chitchat thing. I love all of GAF's responses to it! I've been there. A friend's mother put one of her friends (the mother's) up to patting my stomach and asking me how far along I was, knowing full well I wasn't pregnant. Aghast, all I could get out was, "I'm NOT." To me, talking about a stranger's pregnancy is about as unnecessary and as clever as:

Hey, you're big!
Hey, you're white-black-Asian-whatever!
How do you treat your psoraisis?
Is it difficult to find big clothes/big shoes?
Is your friend Omar the Tentmaker?

Some strangers should just learn the merits of STFU!

[Chris]

A conversation at the zoo:

I was holding my 9 month old daughter, showing her the animals... when a redneck a**hole asked me:

REDNECK: How many months are you?

ME: I'm sorry...?

REDNECK: How many months pregnant are you?

ME: I'm not pregnant.

REDNECK: Oh, sorry... well you look pregnant.

ME: Well, I'm not.

REDNECK: Well, you want another one, don't ya?

ME: That's not really any of your business.

I am a size 10... and was holding my infant daughter... are people really that stupid?

I went home and did about 200 sit-ups. How depressing.

[Stacie]

The last time I went to my college book store, one of the women working there asked me if I was expecting. It pissed me off so bad. I replied with just "No." And she went on to say, "Oh, you're not?" Heh, I think I would know. But, then she went on and on how I looked like someone else that told her she was pregnant. I was like..just shut up. I'm just glad there wasn't a hundred people in there like there usually is, that would have been even more embarrassing.

[belledame222]

"I am? ...oh, god, suddenly, I AM. Your words have caused me to quicken! It's a MIRACLE! THANK you, oh THANK you!..." (run off sobbing with joy)

[Dilly]

My husband (then boyfriend) and I moved into our new home. A neighbor came by with a casserole (they still do that?) to welcome us to the neighborhood and she put her hand on my tummy, "when is the little one due?"

I wasn't pregnant. I was too shocked to stammer out anything but that I wasn't. She tried to play off that since we bought a house it meant maybe I was pregnant. We both left the scene with red faces.

When I worked retail I had a customer suggest I get a girdle to hold in my tummy. I was so offended that I told her I just had major surgery and haven't been able to walk, let alone get out of bed for months. I was happy to be alive, but now she makes me doubt that happiness becuase I am so grotesque, I didn't realize it before. She felt so bad, she cried. I don't feel bad about that lie.

[KatrinaKitty]

I am 53 and just remarried a few weeks ago. We stopped by at the jeweler to pick up a ring I had ordered. It was humid outside and my fingers were swollen. I couldn't slip the ring on my finger. The clerk walks over to the manager and they talk quietly. He comes back over and says, "since you are pregnant, you might have to wait until after your delivery to wear the ring." I just looked at my new husband, and replied...I am not pregnant just fat. Afterward I thought, gee what a backhanded compliment, at least she thought I was young enough to be pregnant. Must be my great genes. :-)

[Lydia]

On Mother's Day this year, my husband and I were out shopping at a retail store and as we were checking out, the lady ringing up our items looked up at me and wished me a happy mother's day. Hmm, I don't have any children I informed her. She said that she was wishing every female a happy mother's day that day just to be safe. I felt like telling her off and letter her know that not only was I not a mother, and not pregnant, but I was infact infertile. I wanted to school her on foot in mouth but my husband quickly rushed me out of the store and told me to drop it. It still pisses me off now.

[a]

I've heard worse. A mututal acquaintance once asked my friend, who was a few months pregnant and married, if her husband were the father. I don't know what my friend thought, but I wanted to slap her upside the head.

[Bekka]

HA! That's impressive.

[Andrea Sainz]

Here's the situation:

Was leaving work this evening and decided to stop for ice water before I go to my car. The door that I need to enter is guarded by a huge bug and I ponder going through it. Anyway, as I stood there a couple of people came out the other door and looked at the bug. The woman agreed that she would avoid the bug, and that I should avoid it so it doesn't "force me into labor"!!!!
OMG! Not to mention the guy I have a small crush on was walking up right when she said it!
I didn't know what to say so I ignored it, but believe me I wanted to seriously hurt her! I can't believe how many people walk around with no boundaries what so ever.

[Andrea Sainz]

Here's the situation:

Was leaving work this evening and decided to stop for ice water before I go to my car. The door that I need to enter is guarded by a huge bug and I ponder going through it. Anyway, as I stood there a couple of people came out the other door and looked at the bug. The woman agreed that she would avoid the bug, and that I should avoid it so it doesn't "force me into labor"!!!!
OMG! Not to mention the guy I have a small crush on was walking up right when she said it!
I didn't know what to say so I ignored it, but believe me I wanted to seriously hurt her! I can't believe how many people walk around with no boundaries what so ever.

[Andrea Sainz]

Here's the situation:

Was leaving work this evening and decided to stop for ice water before I go to my car. The door that I need to enter is guarded by a huge bug and I ponder going through it. Anyway, as I stood there a couple of people came out the other door and looked at the bug. The woman agreed that she would avoid the bug, and that I should avoid it so it doesn't "force me into labor"!!!!
OMG! Not to mention the guy I have a small crush on was walking up right when she said it!
I didn't know what to say so I ignored it, but believe me I wanted to seriously hurt her! I can't believe how many people walk around with no boundaries what so ever.

[colie]

I was checking out at a completely packed store and the sales clerk asked me if she could ask me a question. What was I supposed to say no? So she did and she asked me if i was having a baby. NO i'm not pregnant!!

[Andi]

I'm a 5'2" female, somewhere between 165-200lbs. I carry most of my weight around my midsection. If I didn't carry myself like I do normally (I suck my stomach in a lot, it's an old, bad habit), and stuck my stomach out a bit, I could reasonably LOOK like I'm very pregnant. This I accept. I do /not/ accept complete strangers asking me about it, as it is none of their friggin' business.

Case in point: I was in a bookstore one day day and someone I'VE NEVER MET (seriously, out of nowhere) came up to me and asked when I was due.

My answer? "I dunno. It isn't mine."

And while he was still trying to process it, I turned and walked away past him, very careful to tread heavily on his left foot as I did.

At which point I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up a tube of cookie dough.