I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

A generic adult female spends too much time in the bathroom

Beautiful. It’s not a word us Chubbies often use to describe ourselves. Some of us (me) are not the kind of beautiful that makes the telephone line repairman look at us twice and smile because he caught sight of a bit of leg and a come-hither pout. When I try the come-hither pout at myself in the mirror, I see a lot of chapped lower lip and my double chin. And frankly, my freckled legs can shade even the largest outdoor cat. I’ve tried pouting playfully at GAH, but he mistook it for gastrointestinal discomfort on my part, which really kills the mood.

But there are ways I can feel beautiful. Certain beauty routines and products, used as per the directions and not as just cabinet-filler, help me achieve that inner beauty of “feeling less like a trailer-trash mugshot.” There are three things that help me feel better about myself, aside from the normal beauty regimen of actually showering and slapping on some eyeliner and mascara.

The first is the occasional post-shaving, in-the-shower application of Mountain Glow Lemon-scented Bath Salts (available at www.mountainbody.com) on my calves and thighs. Granted, I go through a lot of it, due to the large surface area that it has to cover, but it’s worth the price. If ever I want to feel like $375, 523.04, I slop a palmful of this goo on my gams, rub it around, rinse and pat dry. My legs feel smooth, and the fresh lemony scent is intoxicating—I smell like lemon bars! Tasty! I could just eat myself up! So far, I’ve resisted the urge to lick my kneecaps to see how I taste, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.

Secondly, I’ve become addicted to baby powder. Where I live, it gets humid during the summer and I am violently opposed to sweating. Baby powder cuts down on perspiration problems in the fat folds of my body. Besides, when I get dressed right after toweling off, I’m still sort of wet and the clothes don’t slide on very well (suppose it would help if I bought a bigger size—but still, the shirts and pants and various other items stick to my wet legs and torso). Dusting myself with a fine layer of powder makes clothing myself a much more dainty operation.

Last but not least, I must take care of my feet. A few years ago, I noticed that the soles of my feet (particularly my heels) were looking much older than their years. Where did those huge callouses and cracks come from? I saw other women’s feet (through their sandals; I don’t have a foot fetish) and wondered how they kept their footsies so dead-skin free? I thought maybe they were carried on piggyback wherever they wanted to go to save wear and tear on said appendages, but, alas, intense scrutiny of the daily habits of these ladies provided no evidence to prove my hypothesis. So I figured that I must be negligent in some aspect of foot care—there must be something I’m supposed to do besides wash them every so often and try not to step on broken glass while barefoot. And upon asking a friend about it, I realized that my mother, in addition to not telling me about the common ritual practiced by many American females of shaving one’s armpits (my aunt had pity on me and kindly clued me in when I was 13), had neglected to mention the necessity of filing down one’s foot callouses and subsequent application of Dr. Scholl’s Pedicure Essentials Cracked Skin Repair foot cream (dimethicone skin protectant).

Thus refreshed and beautified, I am ready to face the world with a smile. That is, until I actually tasted my legs.

Comments

[Ll]

I'm with you on the baby powder - only Shower To Shower instead of regular baby powder. It's worth the extra $3 with it's pure silkyness. I often try to convince others to use it and when they refuse I just powder rape them. No one has pressed our charges yet but they don't seem to appreciate it nearly as much as they should.

[GAF]

"Powder rape"--HAH!

[Jerilyn]

I guess I need to get me some of this "Shower to Shower" or I won't be one of the cool girls.

[C]

Hey, you don't have to be slim to be sexy. Nothing gives me worse neck ache than craning my neck to catch a glimpse of some cute chubby girl when I'm driving. It's dangerous driving no doubt, but it makes me smile.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than seeing a cheeky bit of leg on a girl with a decent amount of leg to show. It's rare you know. Most chubby girls keep so covered up that their fans often miss them - they can't see anything but a pair of shoes emerging from a mass of fabric...

[Melanie]

My finacee would agree with you C. We were having the discussion the other day about whose lingerie show is sexier, Lane Bryant or Victoria Secret. He said that all guys would truely think Lane Bryant was sexier. He said real men at least, not 16 year old boys. lol. So I feel sexy...