A generic adult female fails to medal
The Olympic Games are so size-ist. I’ve been watching the Games and there is not a chubby girl in sight (I haven’t seen any women’s weightlifting events). For crying out loud, I could use little spoilsport Svetlana Khorkina as a Swiffer duster to get at the conglomerations of dust and Cheerios from underneath my refrigerator. I don’t think her thighs could touch if you stuck her legs in a vice and cranked it shut.
In order to be more inclusive of all sizes, a few new events should be included.
Marathon eating: Hot dog- and pie-eating contests abound in county fairs, so why not make an Olympic event out of it? Except make it more difficult. It’s easy to eat confections and fake meat, but what if there were rules in place forcing “athletes” to eat according to food pyramid recommendations and to include cuisines of all nationalities. Once an athlete vomits, they are out. And they’d have to maintain a certain bites-per-minute pace. Number of pounds eaten would also be taken into consideration, just to complicate things.
Olympic Belly-flop: Diving for Fatties. Points would be given for height of splash and achievement of perfect horizontality by the flopper. A greater volume of water removed from the pool would also earn a higher score. This would bring in the really big folk from all countries. And spectators. (It would be really fun if kiddies in inner tubes could be in the pool and ride the tidal waves created by the athletes. As kids, my cousins and I would BEG our Uncle Bud—or, as we called him, Chunky Bud—to do cannonballs into the pool so we could bounce around on the waves he generated)
Downhill rolling: This sport is one for all weight classes—it would promote inter-size relations. We did this at camp one year and it was way fun. Find a really big hill and roll down. Athletes need to try to roll in a straight line and not bounce. Proper form—feet together and arms tucked to one’s sides—would score higher. To add difficulty, the athlete would need to try to walk a straight line immediately upon arriving at the foot of the hill.
Until more events for chubbies are added, I’m boycotting all Bob Costas’ interviews.