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Tops and Bottoms

braA generic adult female rants mildly about certain items of clothing

Having just gone shopping for bras recently, I have a question. Why do some bras come with a little bow in the front? I don’t need the bow to tell me which part goes in the front—if I couldn’t tell the front of my bra from the back, I wouldn’t be in the Chubby Girl Brigade. And I’m well past the age where I think bows on my clothing (outer or under) are cute or appropriate. On top of it all, because I am a Chubby Girl (of matronly age), I have the need for a larger bra. I think having a tiny little bow on it just emphasizes the bigness of the garment that I require to reign in my bosom. Maybe I’m buying the wrong size, but the front part of the bra does not lie flat against my sternum (which is covered by layers of biological and cream-filled padding) like the professional fitters say they should, and so I when I put on a pull-over shirt, I have this little lump in the middle where the bow is poking the shirt fabric and it looks ridiculous. I have taken to cutting the bows off. It’s a very empowering act: “I may need to wear a four-hook brassiere, but I don’t have to stand for this twisted-ribbon indignity!” I shout as I hold my little thread-snipping scissors aloft. And then I very carefully lay the scissors down because they are very sharp and I don’t want to injure myself.

My second whine has to do with my capri pants. There are various schools of thought on this style of below-the-waist clothing: they are either a vital ingredient in the modern woman’s wardrobe or they are a most egregious ugliness forced upon us by the crack-smoking world of low-end discount store fashion designer wannabes. I fall firmly in the first philosophy, although I heartily agree that I’ve probably been brainwashed by drug-addled Mossimo clones. I own two pair of capris and they are both from the same designer’s line of clothing and are even of the same cut and style. The tag says they are the same size, BUT, one is significantly larger. If I dance too vigorously while wearing the light blue capris, I’m liable to be accused of doing a strip-tease without using my hands. The darker blue ones stay firmly put on my behind whenever I shake it. I can’t attribute this lack of quality control to the spaced-out designers—they don’t ever touch the fabric (they’ll get cooties from doing actual work). Some poor sweat-shop worker probably had a bad day and accidentally put an 18W tag on a 22W pair of pants. This is why I haven’t returned them—I’d feel guilty for criticizing the down-trodden. I figure I’ll just sew a few tucks in the waistband. Then again, maybe I’ll leave them as-is just in case I ever need to scare the eyeballs out of someone by flashing them.

Posted by Generic Adult Female on July 30, 2004 | Permalink

Comments

In my own search for the perfect thick grrl bra, I have found that the soft 'cacique' line from Lane Bryant is the best for me. No nasty underwires or stays to poke my luscious bosom.

On the capris rant, it was explained to me, when I complained about one bra being tighter than an otherwise identical bra, the clerk informed me that when the fabric is cut it is done with a punch dye using a stack of fabric. The nature of this operation means that the piece of fabric on the bottom is the only one 100% accurate as all those on top are subsequently stretched a little as they are forced through the cut.TMI? I think so.

Posted by: Maxine | July 31, 2004 02:29 PM

Cacique are nice - but only their cotton line. Those see through deals made me drop to my knees and beg forgiveness from God.

My pet peeve about bras is when they have a seam right across the cup which obnoxiously shows if you're wearing a softer knit shirt. Why in the world would they schlack a seam there? Idiots!

And I don't like capris. However I do like shirts with 3/4 sleeves and I recently heard those called "capris for the arms". I'm down with that.

Posted by: Ll | August 1, 2004 12:53 PM

When I told my beensy roommate about the CGB, she wanted to know if she could be a member of the Small Boob Brigade.

I say, heck no! She can spend her life bra-less if she chooses. She needs no other compensations.

Posted by: Zenobia | August 3, 2004 03:31 PM

From the CGB's FAQ:

Q: What if I weigh 125 pounds? Can I still be a member of the Chubby Girl Brigade and wear the official shirt? If I were to wear it would I offend others who really are chubby?
A: So you're afraid that because you're so slender that you might get walloped by a meaty hand of an actual chubby girl who sees you in it and makes you wish you had never heard of celery sticks? I say - Go For It! Especially if you're willing to take pictures of the aftermath and send them to us.

Posted by: Ll | August 3, 2004 05:08 PM

Most side efects of being chubby are not so fun, but at least I can boast a decent-sized rack for the first time in my life! A few months ago, my roommate introduced me to the wonderland of push-up bras, and my world was forever changed. I tried my first one on and exclaimed, right there in the fitting room, "Holy crap! There's a butt on my chest!!!"

Dear Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Balconet Push-Up Bra, You make me feel like a natural woman. Love, *Audrey*

Posted by: Audrey | August 4, 2004 12:17 PM

I don't think I've ever owned a bra that laid flat like it is rumored to actually need to do. I always had the infamous underwire-jutting-through look to all of my shirts. Then I found:
Lane Bryant's Sensual Curves® satin cleavage-enhancing bra
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v216/BrownEyedSue/bra.jpg)

Deep plunge, lift, separate, seamless, WONDERFUL.

And with the molded cups I can look perky even when slouching. :)

Posted by: Susannah | August 18, 2004 04:23 PM

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