Aunt Marvel Salad

Screaming To Be Heard

I had a dream last night I was trying to tell this woman about all the ways the government has helped me. Like how Pell Grants helped to pay for my education, how Medicaid helped provide health care for my children when we couldn't afford it ourselves while we were in college, and how I'm grateful that my kids can get a good education.

Only, she wouldn't listen to me. She kept talking and talking and talking and her voice was SO ANNOYING.

I kept trying to yell over her, to get her to listen to me.

That's when I woke up and realized a Sarah Palin speech was being played on TV.

Will it really be over in a week? Doubtful.

Sunday afternoon, I attended a birthday party. When I was invited, knowing that there were people with strong and opposing political views attending, I suggested that perhaps we should make politics a forbidden subject so that we could just enjoy one another's company. I was told everyone agreed with my suggestion, however, when I showed up, there were two people wearing political tshirts, one an unkind and untrue dig at Barack Obama, the candidate for whom I have chosen to vote. I decided to ignore the shirts, because I wanted to honor our agreement and not create contention, but I left feeling disrespected and very sad.

I'm still sad.

In a week, we're going to have a new President-elect. What is going to happen to this country when the smaller half of the voters hates the new guy? The vitriol coming from people reminds me of two verses from the Book of Mormon, in 3 Nephi, chapter 11, verses 29 and 30, "For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away."

One of my favorite Obama stories is that when Obama supporters at a recent rally merely "booed" at the mention of McCain's name, Obama said, "No. We don't do that. We vote." That, folks, is not stirring anyone up in anger.

While I don't think John McCain or Sarah Palin are the right choice for our country, I will not denigrate them. If they are who the American people choose to lead the country, I will support them as such and pray for their success.

In the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've been blindsided by people I thought I knew who have said ugly things about my candidate or questioned my integrity when I stated my political opinions. I even had someone question my dedication to the church.

To avoid further surprise from my friends and loved ones, I state the following without apology and need for defense:

I vote(d) for Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

If you disagree, there is something you can do. Vote. And pray for whomever we wind up with. Our country will need it.

Text Messages Saved On My Phone

"You're not a horse! You're a goth! I love your black toe nails!"

"It looks like you has no grammar."

"My body is so cold I think my large intestine is shaking inside of me!"

"And the barf comes back."

"I left a tuft of hair on dad's head."

"I am excided!"

"Twenty bucks if you lick someone's fork."

"Sweetness! How I feel an the name of my gun."

"Bonnie is getting hungry! And you have the boobs!"

"Maybe we can distract Hillary with some Giant Chewy Nerds."

"Tell me something romantic OOPS THAT WAS FOR KEVIN."

"Oh the sweet luck to marry a wealthy man with no pre-nup."

"moo. engorgement."

"now your child has the mark of the DEVIL"

"I'm in the quiet fabric store and I just accidentally farted!"

"The smoking area is by the penguins because not even cigarettes can penetrate that stench."

Avocado Spread

I went and picked up a sandwich at lunch the other day and the menu said it had "avocado spread."

Me: "What's the avocado spread?"

Sandwich Girl: "Well, the avocado is a green thing--I don't know if it's a vegetable or a fruit--"

Me: "Uh, I know what an avocado is, I just wanted to know what's in the spread."

Sandwich Girl: "Avocados."

Me: "But it says it's a spread"

Sandwich Girl: "Right."

Me: "So how is it a spread?"

Sandwich Girl: "We spread the avocado on the bread."

I just want to know, at what point did I become the idiot in that conversation?

My Top 25 Most Played

I read this post on my friend Hotel Manager's blog and thought it might be fun (and mostly embarrassing). I also listed play counts, which should only add to the embarrassment.

1. Pull In Town from Napoleon Dynamite, 643,625 plays*
2. Closer by Nine Inch Nails, 130 plays
3. Pledge of Allegiance by Louis XIV, 120 plays
4. Coming Undone by Korn, 101 plays
5. Something To Be by Rob Thomas, 94 plays
6. Bossy by Kelis, 93 plays
7. Work It Out by Jurassic 5 and Dave Matthews Band, 91 plays
8. Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits, 88 plays
9. Control by Puddle of Mudd, 86 plays
10. Never My Love by The Association, 75 plays
11. All My Life by Foo Fighters, 75 plays
12. Hard To Concentrate by Red Hot Chili Peppers, 73 plays
13. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, 73 plays
14. Collide by Howie Day, 65 plays
15. Whiskey In The Jar by Metallica, 65 plays
16. Baby, Now That I Found You by Alison Krauss, 62 plays
17. You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC, 57 plays
18. God Only Knows by The Beach Boys, 55 plays
19. Ain't Nothing Wrong With That by Robert Randolph and the Family Band, 52 plays
20. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice, 49 plays
21. Stronger by Billy Squier, 48 plays
22. Bop Gun (One Nation) by Ice Cube, 47 plays
23. Wonderwall by Oasis, 47 plays
24. Loving You by Paolo Nutini, 43 plays
25. Ah! Leah! by Donnie Iris, 42 plays

*This is a four-second sound byte from the movie "Napoleon Dynamite." I like to mute my speakers and set it to play when I leave the office for the weekend (when I leave the office for the weekend) just for fun (when I remember to have fun) (I also realize that if this is my definition of "fun" then I need to get out more) and to artificially raise my play count. Ty has informed me this is not right. There is a part of me that does it because I know he doesn't like it.

If anyone is still reading this blog, I think you should do it, too and post a link to your blog in the comments.

Tainted

A recent phone conversation:

Zippy: I'm sick!

Me: Oh dear, what is wrong?

Zippy: I think I ate something that was tainted.

Me: What was that?

Zippy: The only thing I can think that I ate was a banana.

Me: Oh, so it WAS tainted. TAINTED WITH NUTRITION.

Two days later:

Me: ....and I said, 'TAINTED WITH NUTRITION!!' I AM SO FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: GET IT?! TAINTED....WITH....NUTRITION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Me: Seriously, SO FUNNY. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: *wipes tears*

Grace: Mom, you need to be less of a joke teller and more of a joke listener.

Welcome to the world of me snorting so loudly that it's quite obvious I'm doing nothing productive whatsoever

Me: don't let him out of your date

Her: no way
Her: are you kidding
Her: I am 31
Her: and a virgin
Her: I dont let boys out of dates

Me: lol

Her: you know when he is being normal I really enjoy his company
Her: but when he is weird
Her: he takes it to the extreme

Me: welcome to the world of men

Her: welcome to my understanding of why the world is so full of lesbians

Best Joke EVER

Annie: Mom! Ask me if I'm a grapefruit!

Me: Are you a grapefruit?

Annie: NO*

You know it's the best joke ever when you recall it late at night, on your way home, alone in the car, from a 15 hour work day and you nearly have to PULL OVER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD BECAUSE YOU HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN YOUR FACE FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.**

*Inflection is key.

**Or, you're just very, very tired.

School Clothes Shopping

Grace: These pants are too long.

Me: Well, you know me. I'm not hemming anything. Don't you recall the Great Hemming Fiasco of 2001?

Grace: And 02, 03, 04 and 05? Yes, yes I do.

Sitting at dinner with the family, I decided to bring up the issue of what clothes the kids needed for school. Yes, school starts in three days. Yes, I've put the shopping off. Yes, Grace is STILL not registered for Middle School. Will someone please just take my children away and allow them to be raised by wolves?

Anywho.

Me: Glen, what do you need? Pants, shirts, socks? Boxer briefs or tighty whities?

Glen: I just need socks.

Grace: So...that's a negative on the tighty whities.