Q: How did the Chubby Girl Brigade come about?
A: By eating too many Doritos with full-fat sour cream while watching American Idol.
Q: Who are the creators and contributors of this site?
A: Jerilyn (she of the graphics design genius, cheery charm, and wonderful wit), and that other lady…can’t remember her name.
Q: Where can I buy myself and everyone on my Christmas/birthday list chubby girl brigade merchandise?
A: Why here, of course!
Q: I'm so tired of being fat. Can you recommend a diet?
A: I recommend a diet consisting mostly of food. This site isn't a support group or one to help people lose weight (although if you do find a diet that incorporates Nestle’s Creamy Caramel Treasures, PASS THE INFO ALONG). This site is about eating cookies and laughing. Or not eating cookies and laughing. Mostly it’s just about laughing. And eating.
Q: Will you post some low-fat recipes?
A: Only if we can off-set them with some recipes for lard, straight up.
Q: Exactly how chubby are you?
A: You don’t want to know. Suffice to say I can squish a wad of aluminum foil into a smaller pancake by sitting on it than my kids can. And my fat folds can hold so many items that I have no need for a purse.
Q: I weigh 125 pounds. Can I still be a member of the Chubby Girl Brigade and wear the official shirt? If I were to wear it would I offend others who really are chubby?
A: Question #1—only if you pay us lots of money not to make fun of you (please plug your ears).
Question #2—some of us might start making potato references, but just ignore us. You don’t know what that means, and they say that ignorance is bliss (I wouldn’t know).
Q: I commented but my exact words were edited.
A: That's because your comment was profanity-laden/prurient/hateful and those of us in charge of the site like to make fun of people who think swear words/p-o-r-n/spiteful comments are threatening, funny, or witty.
Q: Does this make me look fat?
A: Of course. Why else did you come here?
Q: What should I do about chin hair?
A: Pluck it like a dead chicken!
Q: How do I marry a Canadian?
A: Find a Canadian (preferably a nice one), take him/her to the local justice of the peace (or Canadian equivalent—if you find a Canadian in some other country, find that country’s version of the justice of the peace), fill out the necessary paperwork using legible handwriting in black ink, find a ring that fits, pay the fee, and say “I do” when told to. Then put the ring on the Canadian’s finger, and lo, you are married!
Q: What percentage of people fall off trampolines, as opposed to jumping and hurting themselves?
A: All of them.
Q: I ate cookie dough; am I going to gain weight?
A: Yes. Unless it’s my Musical Cookie recipe, in which case you will gain less weight but spend most of your time suppressing air biscuits.
Q: What is an ideal weight for me right now while I am pregnant?
A: Normal weight + weight of baby + weight of that pan of fudge you ate for breakfast.
Q: How much is a cube of butter?
Q: Tina places three opaque emerald bottles on the carpet before you. One bottle has a dead goldfish. The other two have live goldfish. You want a live one. Tina knows which bottles contain live goldfish and which has the dead one, but you do not. You can ask Tina one yes/no question, but when you do, you have to point to one of the bottles. If you point to a live goldfish, she will tell the truth. If you point to a dead goldfish, she will randomly say yes or no. Your mission is to find one live goldfish, asking Tina just one question. What question do you ask?
A: Will I ever be able to lose 70 lbs.?