I have very bad PMS. Not today, mind you (although I don't know when you're reading this, so it really could be today and if that's the case, BACK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE), but about once a week every month, I am UNBEARABLE. Frankly, it's gotten to the point where I'm not quite functional as a human being, so recently I broke down and went to see a women's specialist about it.
First off, she weighed me. Ugh. The words "she weighed me" carry more weight (har har) for a chubby girl than anything I could have written, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sure you feel my pain.
Next, we talked about my HELLISH PMS and how I cannot even cope with the sound of people chewing or even their very presence on this earth at times. I even cried. And not the fake girl tears that will get me stuff. Real tears.
She then said THE WORST THING THAT SHE COULD HAVE POSSIBLE SAID TO ANYONE. EVER.
"If you could lose a few pounds, I'm sure all the symptoms you've described would simply go away."
She then proceeded to give me a flyer entitled, "Fat Loss Tips" or as I like to call it "The Chubby Girl's Badge of Morbid Obesity."
I share them now with you.
1. Eat your meals and snacks spread out every 4-5 hours during the hours you are awake.
I have to go 4 or 5 hours without eating? And if I stay up later at night, do I get to eat more? And if I'm waiting 4-5 hours in between meals AND snacks, does that mean I'll never actually sleep?
2. Consume small amounts of low-fat protein with each meal. The size of the protein should be about the size of the palm of your hand.
Is she talking about her palm or my palm, because frankly, my palm is the size of a 16 oz piece of PRIME RIB.
3. Try to stop eating 2 hours before you go to bed.
I like how they added the "try" as if they don't think I really can do it or that I really have no control over my hands and mouth at night. Yes, that's me, being pulled to the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer at 10 pm. Kicking and screaming the whole way.
4. Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. Add real lemon for taste and cleansing effect.
I'm concerned about what "cleansing effect" the lemon will have. Will it cleanse my colon? Will it cleanse my 8-10 glasses? (That will save me some work down the road.) Will it cleanse my palate so I can eat more Cheetos?
5. Limit or eliminate all juices, sodas, and other sugary drinks from your diet.
I am overjoyed that Diet Coke wasn't listed. There may be hope for me yet.
6. Add good fat to your diet, such as nuts, olives, olive oil and avocados. Try to avoid lard and margarine.
I think the term "good fat" is subjective. For example, deep-fried mozzeralla cheese sticks are good, and they're high in fat, but I don't see them on the list. I'm sure it was just an oversight.
7. Add 30 minutes of "heart pumping exercise" to your day, five days per week.
So, sitting in front of the scale, getting up the courage to lumber on, gets my heart pumping. Does that count?
How about catching a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror after I get out of the shower? I could easily do that 30 times a day (the glimpsing, not the showering).
8. Add 10-30 minutes of weight resistance exercises.
Hey, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not so good at resisting weight. So, I'm going to venture a guess that "weight resistance exercises" are something like pushing away that last caramel sticky bun, or scooping two scoops of ice cream instead of eight.
In case you're wondering, I am trying to incorporate some of these into my diet. I really do want my PMS to get better, and if this is what will help, I need to give it a shot. For the doctor's sake, it had better work, because in about 10 more days, the PMS returns and if I'm not feeling any better, she's going to hear about it and then maybe she'll understand what HELLISH PMS really is.