Warning: To anyone who is embarrassed by any of the following words: Kotex, tampon, period, feminine hygiene, Aunt Flo, sanitary napkin, monthly visitor, ovary, uterus, PMS—GET OVER IT!
A generic adult female gets a monthly visit from the period fairy and, in a fit of PMS-fueled anger, promptly whacks the little winged intruder upside the head with the 3-hole punch, and stalks off to cuddle up with the hot water bottle, a 3 lb. canister of Midol, and all the chocolate she can find in the house, and then she sends the generic adult husband out to Sam’s Club to get more because DAMMIT there’s NOT enough!
Yes, my chubby friends, eventually someone here at the CGB website writers’ sweatshop was going to mention her period. It’s a commonly known fact that if you get two or more adult females together, they will start discussing childbirth, crafting hobbies, or menstruation. And since I rely heavily on estrogen in formulating my identity, you get to listen to me talk about that wonderful part of a woman’s life when she is reminded that life is bloody hell. So siddown and shaddup!
I just noticed that my favorite brand of feminine hygiene product has recently added a new feature to the packaging of their sanitary napkins. They’ve started giving “Tips for Life” on the paper strip that protects the adhesive: “Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches” and “Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily to help keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.”
Really, is that the best place to start giving advice? Most days during my period, I am too loopy to be able to read. Besides, would a person actually want to admit to getting their information from a piece of paper adhered to a mini-diaper? It’s not even something you learn from your mother. Neither do you get good information from the 6th grade health class unit called “Your Reproductive System and You.” The only thing we learned in that class was not to giggle when the teacher said “penis.” The teacher even had a question box where we could submit questions anonymously, but only one girl in the class had the courage to be anonymous. She asked “How much does it hurt to have a baby?” The teacher answered, “I don’t know. I’ve never had one.” So a fat lot of help Mrs. Kimberly Clark was.
Now, if Kotex REALLY wants to provide a service, they need to change their hints. Avoiding caffeine eases cramping? If only it were that simple. A more truthful approach would be “Avoiding stressful situations like work, home, people, in-laws who like to criticize, traffic, gym class, laundry, cooking, leaky radiator in your car, the research paper on the how ‘manifest destiny’ influenced the Industrial Revolution, and rational thought, will ease cramping. Use this paper strip as a note to release you from the aforementioned situations.”
Likewise, the advice to drink 6-8 glasses of water to feel fresh is misleading. It should read, “To feel fresh, get a hysterectomy.”