A generic adult female gets snippy
Everywhere I go, I know they are thinking it. They are looking at me and wondering, “Is she pregnant? Should I congratulate her?”
To all of you gawkers and wonderers: NO and NO (unless you are congratulating me for being a singularly beautiful and talented woman).
There are the brazen few who don’t wonder, they just go right ahead and say it. I’d like to stomp on their toes, but my aim isn’t too good. I grab one of my stock replies and spew it forth from my mouth and hope it penetrates their tiny Neanderthal brains.
The question usually comes forth as such: “When is your baby due?”
Stock reply #1: “Oh, I’m not pregnant; I’m just really fat, thanks.” This is the one I usually use. The unmannerly person will hopefully turn bright crimson and stammer, “I’m sorry. It’s just that you look…uh well, that’s a nice dress you have on.” And I frown again and say, “It’s not a dress, it’s my shirt. See the pants way down there underneath my grotesquely large tummy?” And they slink off somewhere else, like the weasels they are.
Stock reply #2: “Six years ago.” This usually generates a puzzled look on the face of the other person, until they figure out what I mean. Then the stammering apology again begins, but conversation then veers towards the child that was born six years ago. Yes, he’s an energetic boy. Yes, he’s cute and we wouldn’t trade him for the world. And then I get the rundown on their kids, if they have any. And if the other person is female (and she really should have known better than to ask when I was due if I haven’t ever mentioned that I was pregnant) she starts in on her pregnancies and subsequent children. So I try not to use this response, because I inevitably wind up feeling like they want to be chummy with me, when I really want to bash their toes with a tire iron for suggesting that I look pregnant.
Stock reply #3: “I’m not actually pregnant—the last time I was, though, I really liked my figure so I ended up making the look permanent.” People end up thinking I’m crazy and smile weakly and back away slowly. I find a lot of people don’t get sarcasm. But they do get pain, and that’s why I’ve taken to carrying a bowling ball with me.
So the next time you see me, tell me how totally not pregnant I look, or I might bowl a strike using your toes as pins.