Would someone hurry up and please find a finger* in a Banana Cream Pie Milkshake from Sonic so I can get over my insane craving of all things Banana Cream Pie Milkshake from Sonic?
*or a toe**
**or a wad of hair***
***okay, I think I just solved my own problem with the very power of THOUGHT
I know, I know. I missed Valentine's Day. I have a lot of guilt over that, JUST SO YOU KNOW. I also know there are a lot of you (including me) who really look forward to the CGB Valentine's celebration.
Is it lame to celebrate it in March? We can call it "Our Love Is So Magical We Must Celebrate One Month Later Than All The Other Saps In The World" Valentine's Day or "Jerilyn Spends Too Much Time Chatting Up Babes On The Internet To Pay Attention To The Date" Valentine's Day or we can find an upcoming holiday to celebrate instead.
Options for alternate celebrations are:
April 1: April Fool's Day
March 17: St. Patrick's Day (no)
March 19: The Swallows Return to Capistrano (what the H*?)
March 21: The First Day of Spring aka TICK TOCK. Are Your Thighs Ready for Summer?
Or MY FAVORITE only because it's a crude joke about weight loss:
March 13: The Anniversary of the Discovery of Uranus
Let me know what you want to do.
*Heck
As some of you may know by now, the CGB had the tiniest of tiny mention in the March issue of Oprah's magazine. Here is a scan of the article (thanks to Susannah)(page 184 for those of you playing along at home):
So, all those times people told me that my hard work would pay off? HA HA HA. I haven't updated this site in MONTHS and Oprah (or one of her minions, rather) STILL noticed.
SCORE ONE FOR LAZINESS.
What's funny is that I was thinking about writing a "I'm so sorry but I'm so busy and I think it's time you saw other blogs and really it's me, not you and one day you'll look back at this time in our lives and realize I wasn't very nice to you after all and I've met someone else and he sells seashells at discount prices" kind of post but I kept putting it off thinking I just needed to get back to writing because it's good for me and puts hair on my chest. Or something like that.
All that to say, I'm sorry for my absence. I appreciated all the emails and (real!) letters I received asking if I was alive. I am alive. I'm even still fat.
In light of the Oprah situation, I need to make the following announcements:
To most of the people that know me in real life that also had no idea that I live this double life that involves chubby women and cheese recipes (I tried to make that sound dirty):
Hi. I post a lot of things on this website that I wouldn't dare talk about face to face. It doesn't mean you can't read what I've written, but it does mean that if you start talking to me about my gynecology appointments or pointing out your own side boobage, I will want to melt into the ground and hope nobody notices.
To those of you who came via the article in the Oprah magazine:
This is NOT a weight loss blog. Nor is it a fat acceptance blog. My goal is for every woman to love who she is, irregardless of the numbers (BE THEY SINGLE OR DOUBLE) on the tag in her jeans, starting with myself. Sorry to disappoint.
More later, my sweets.
Carrot Top Billboards: 1257
Number of Times I Got Excited Seeing Said Carrot Top Billboards: ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN
So, the cat is out of the bag. I went to Vegas for a week. I had. A. BLAST.
People have asked me to tell them what I did while I was in Vegas.
My response is always "You don't want to know" which is always met with "Oh, BUT NOW I MUST HEAR EVERYTHING."
So, keeping in mind that you REALLY don't want to know because honestly, you will be disgusted with how completely NERDY I am, here is the rundown:
Works of Fiction Read: 2
Technical Manuals Read: 2
Crossword Puzzles Completed (IN PEN, PEOPLE, IN PEN): 4
Reports on Search Engine Optimization Read, Highlighted, and Notes Written in the Margins: 1
Celebrities Spotted: 0
Shoes purchased: 4
Elvis Sightings: 2
Super Nasty Ankle-length Dreadlock Sightings: 1
Length of Time it Takes the Bellhop to Show Up After You Check In And All You Want To Do Is Get Out Of Your Dirty Airplane Clothes And Get In Bed But You Can't Because While Said Bellhop May Have Seen A Lot Of Things While Working As A Bellhop In Vegas, There Are Still Some Things That Really Don't Need To Be Seen: 1.5 hours (SUPER AWESOME!)
Gambling: None, unless you count ordering room service from a man who does not speak the English language.
Here are a few more of the highlights:
This is what happens when I cannot decide what to pack and just pack IT ALL. (And yet, look at how clever I am with the train o' luggage?)
Cliché Vegas photograph.
The view from my hotel room—HOW MUCH DOES THIS RULE?!
Another view from my hotel room.
My view at night. The nights in Vegas were SO AWESOME. (Can I possibly use the word "awesome" any more? Does someone need a Thesaurus for Christmas?)
I stayed in the Tropicana, an older hotel on the strip. My room had mirrored ceilings and walls.
Let me repeat: MIRRORED. CEILINGS. AND. WALLS.
The mirror above my bed served to remind me that I have an unused gym membership. The mirror on the wall served to remind me that one of the best things about arms is that if you keep them at your sides while you're laying on your back, your boobs won't slide into your armpits.
I was on the 18th floor.
This is a photo of the "I DeClair" from The Claim Jumper. It was as big as my head (which, given my Hassell genes, is saying something). I couldn't even eat two bites a tenth a quarter half of it.
Lastly, you know you had a great vacation when you come home with a smiley face on your arm. (Not a tattoo. That would ruin my all awesome Nerd cred.)
I'm in Vegas and I hung out with Susannah today. FYI: Susannah had to scrunch down about a foot to get on my level AND I WAS ALREADY WEARING THREE INCH WEDGES.
Susannah is exactly what I imagined she would be like and we had a BLAST.
"I recently lost about 30 pounds,* which for me essentially negates most chubbiness, although I'm sure it'll come back eventually. I lost it only because I have a crazy metabolism and had just been eating really badly - I improved my eating, but didn't diet, and I didn't do it to be skinnier, as I was actually fairly happy with my body before. At any rate, ever since, people, especially my parents, have been commenting CONSTANTLY on the weight loss, to the point that it's making me really uncomfortable. How can I possibly respond to, "You look so great now!" when what I really want to say is Damn it, I looked great before. I've tried talking to my parents about it, but they think I'm being ridiculous, that I look much better now and should be happy about it, and that if I lost that much weight it MUST have been to be skinny, because we all know that skinnier is better. I just don't know what to say to people, especially those who I know decently well but am either not close enough with or don't have time to have a long discussion on the matter with. I'm starting to feel really frustrated, like by accepting "Wow, you lost so much weight, you look great!" with a thank you, I'm just as much a part of it as they are. I don't know. You guys are so good at the snappy one liners... help?"
* NOT ME (Jerilyn)
Anyone who mocks Miss Ross-Russell for losing 30 pounds and asking the CGB for advice will be forcefed celery. CELERY, people. I KNOW how to lay down a threat.
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